The Inner Rings of Saturn

Subjectivity

2008-02-25T01:15:00.001-05:00

So, today was a double show day for "La Cage Aux Folles". This afternoon for our matinee performance, we easily had the best house we've had the entire run. They were loud and enthusiastic, gave us great energy, it was a huge house and the entire audience gave us a standing ovation. That's a great feeling when you work as hard as we do to really give it our all every single show. Then, on the flip side, we easily had our worst audience response with our evening performance. Had it not been for one group of 8 giving us all the energy they had, it would have been like performing to an empty theatre. Even at the end as I looked out into the audience, all I saw was apathy.

The point of this post is that it just got me to thinking ... we gave them the same show, yet the response was diametrically opposed. As I sat at the bar watching the Oscars later on, I began to think upon just how truly subjective any kind of artform truly is.

I've often thought one of the biggest obstacles I've had with my music is just finding the right audience. It's easy, especially as a solo act I think, to get deterred and frustrated when you constantly run into apathy and dislike for your material ... it makes the connections you make and the people you touch with your art all the more meaningful. I listened to "Deviant" on the way home and I'm still, 4 years later, really and truly proud of that project. It remains my favorite of the 3 albums that I've produced thus far. I can't understand why more people didn't embrace it. Then I thought about our double show day today and realized it just hasn't found its audience yet. I know they're out there, and I also know I haven't done all I could to find and connect with them yet. I don't really know how to go about it, obviously, or else I would have done it already. I just know that I shouldn't get down on myself or let my insecurities or negative thoughts about my abilites or my art start to infect my desire and my heart. As an artist I think we have the responsibility to keep giving it out to the universe, if we have a gift it was put there for a reason. I know that I've already touched a few ... and in time I know that it will touch more. I reflect on all the artists and the music that has had such a profound impact on me and wonder if they've ever had the same feelings about their material.

Anyhoo, I'm a little tipsy and it's probably not the best time to be blogging, but oh well. I'm in the middle of recording my 4th album and I just hope that with this project I'm finally able to find the audience that has an ear hungry for music like mine. I've got hundreds upon hundreds of unrecorded songs I've written, damn, it can't all have been for nothing!

The right audience is out there. I'll keep trucking along til they're all in the front row and I'm taking my bow, my heart saying "thank you so much for making this journey worth it!" Thanks to the chick of the pair who won for best original song on the Oscars tonight ... don't know who she was, but her speech was wonderful and inspiring and just what I needed to hear at this particular moment.

My Video ...

2007-07-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

4 anyone who hasn't seen my music video 4 "ART" yet, here it is. I know I've quiet 4 a while, but I'll be making some news soon. Bear with me just a bit longer!

"Took an oath, I'ma stick it out 2 the end." - Rihanna, Umbrella

I Want It So Much, It Keeps Me Up at Night ...

2006-12-01T01:45:00.000-05:00

It's on my mind 24/7. I think about it at the most inconvenient of times. When I'm at work, when I'm driving, it's on my mind so much I can't sleep sometimes (which is why I'm so tired during the day). Why do U think I'm up right now?

It starts with an "S" ...

I'm talking about .... success! (What were U thinking?)

This is nothing new. I've had the same "dream" life that I want since I was a kid. When I was 25, I stopped wishing and actually took action to do something about it. I figured since it was on my mind all the time, I might as well do it, right? (Yeah, the same thing happened with sex, but that's another story.)

I was reading tonight and something I read really struck me to my core because it's SO true:

"The biggest challenge you have is to challenge your own self doubt and your laziness. It is your self-doubt and your laziness that define and limit who you are." - Kiyosaki

This is the most hard - hitting true fact about myself that I've accepted yet. It's not like I didn't already kind of know this somewhere in the recesses of my brain, but to see it in black and white for some reason ... it just did it for me.

I AM lazy. I make excuses all the time for why I don't have the things that I want, but it all boils down to those 2 things. I work all day (don't really have a choice in that one!), I watch too much TV, I daydream too much, I get in my own way, I DON'T have the confidence I should, I say I try to do too much with my job, my business, my music etc, but the fact remains I find time to chat online with random boys and I find time to do all the other mindless things that bring me temporary pleasure. The fact is if I want what I want as bad I want it, I have to step up my game and get out of my own fucking way. This is head surgery folks ... once I autentically and fundamentally change the way I think, my thoughts will change my actions, and my actions will change my life.

Pink said it best ...

"Don't let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy." - Pink, Don't Let Me Get Me

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The Master Is In

2006-11-28T20:52:00.000-05:00

19 minutes is the final run time of "Touch the Sky". It just seems unreal that all the hard work that's gone into this project for the last year and a half all boils down to just 19 minutes. That's always the way it goes though.

Now the hard work really begins. I just got the cd mastered today, so all that's left is the artwork and the duplication. I'm trying to decide how many to make since this will be a collector's CD, I want to make it very rare. I'm thinking 200. That's it. Even if I sell out of em, I won't recoup all the money I spent on it, but what I'm hoping for is a buzz and good word of mouth ... that's something I could never buy.

"One more card and it's 22. Unlucky 4 him again." - Prince, Money Don't Matter 2night

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And the Survey Says ... "It's Groooovy!"

2006-11-26T12:02:00.000-05:00

I've gained ten pounds from Thanksgiving! Ok, maybe not but it certainly feels like it. Saw some cool concerts this month - Yolanda Adams (absolutely amazing! I was truly moved) and the Brazilian Girls (I'm a new fan, thanks B!). Also been working on my own stuff ... it's taking me a little bit longer than I'd hoped, so I'm probably looking at a January 2007 release for "Touch the Sky", but the good news is I'm also going to have a new website and a VERY cool something something that's coming out after that! Yeah, I've been trying 2 think outside the box a bit.

So far the response to Adonis has been all positive ... everyone basically says the same thing ..."it's very different, but groooovy! I like it, I like it alot!" So, that makes me feel good.

Not sure if I'm going to put a band together and gig this E.P. or not, still pondering over that, but there WILL be a couple of release/listening parties thanks to some very generous peeps.

I'm thinking I wanna make another video, one that LOGO will actually AIR this time, which probably means I can't say "penetrate" or suck the honey off another guy's finger in this video. I'm thinking a video for Adonis would be cool. Anybody out there got any ideas?

"Slap me! Somebody slap me!" - Klymaxx, Men All Pause

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Tiger and Me on Oprah ... one day

2006-11-05T20:20:00.000-05:00

Almost daily I have strangers telling me I look like Tiger Woods, so on this past Halloween Tuesday, guess who I dressed up as. Though, I doubt the real Tiger would EVER get as fucked up as I did that night. Matter of fact, this entire week has been one drunken episode after another. Would have made 4 a great soap opera. I think I should take a vow of sobriety ... 4 at least a week. Ah, fuck it ... plenty of time 4 that when I'm old.

So, I bid farewell to yet another friend ... I've lost him to the great city of New York ... a city I was supposed to have been living in myself five years ago, but somehow Baltimore got its clutches in me and I never made it. That's 3 friends in 2 months I've lost 2 the Big Apple. Someone remarked today that I would do so much better for myself and my music career in a city like L.A., San Fran or New York ... 2 which my answer has always been and continues 2 be ... if I can't get a good strong following here in B'more, how the hell could I do it anywhere else? Conquer the hometown first, right? Ah, what the hell do I know. Maybe I should follow suit and pack my bags and succumb 2 the allure of Manhattan or L.A.

4 now anyway, I've mapped out a pretty involved plan 4 my music career 4 the next year. I'm going 2 be successful ... so I'll just see where that success lands me. Maybe I'll end up on Oprah with Tiger Woods and he'll showme the right way to grip my club ... & improve my swing while he's at it. Ha!

OK, gotta run ... time 4 Desperate Housewives!

"I need a moment 2 deliberate." - Alanis Morrisette, Uninvited

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29

2006-10-25T18:54:00.000-04:00

Kissing 29 goodbye tomorrow (actually today). Yesterday was day 29. After working I went to pick up my grandmother who is only in town a little while longer. I know it's been extremely hard on her and everyone dealing with the death of my aunt Marie. Though I didn't know her extremely well, it's always the loved ones that are left behind that we grieve for and with. And again it makes me so thankful for every single day ... all the little stuff we all take for granted.

So, my grandmother treated me, my sis and my mom to dinner for my birthday. Then they dragged me 2 a place that I NEVER go ... ROSS. Grandma needed a brand new hat.

The funny thing is as soon as I walk in I hear somebody say, "SATURN!" That was way cool.

I know my ass is getting old cuz I'm STILL recovering from this weekend ... they always said the older U get the more sleep U need. Well, sleeping HAS always been one of my favorite things 2 do (right, Brian?) Sometimes it would be nice 2 not sleep alone though, but I can dream I have a hot naked man beside me and then not have 2 deal with the drama when I wake up! Sounds like a plan!

"I'll see U tonight in all my dreams." - Prince, All My Dreams

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Days 25 - 28

2006-10-24T16:37:00.000-04:00

U know, it's really hard 2 post on the regular, ESPECIALLY when U got a lot of shit going on. Nothing really noteworthy except that I washed my car:

and those that know me know how noteworthy that actually is, I almost choked on rock in my Mexican food in Salisbury, MD, and I got drunk and drunk again. Dan is a bad bad man ... he makes me do things I say I don't wanna (but that I really want 2 do):

All I have 2 say is thank God we didn't go the Lizard Lounge! I wouldn't have made in into work the next morning, no friggin' way!

Got the final mix back yesterday 4 Adonis. Love it. Can't wait 4 U 2 hear it!

"I think I'll follow my heart, it's a very good place 2 start." - Madonna, Sky Fits Heaven

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What Love Is ...

2006-10-20T19:54:00.000-04:00

I just LOVE this!

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could haveimagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint hertoenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6"

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.My Mommy and D addy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friendwho you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are stillfriends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody .You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt" Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her oldclothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little starscome out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

"One man come in the name of love," - U2, Pride

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The 24th Day

2006-10-20T01:06:00.000-04:00

Day 22 - watched "Click". Funny little movie about how we really need to appreciate all the little things. Just like in music, it's the minutia in life that make it so wonderful.

Day 23 - discovered I have a mild form of Rosacia. (thanks, sis!) I've always wondered why I get so red on my cheekbones and my skin gets so dry. I also found out that alcohol is a trigger for me. When I go a few days without drinking, my skin clears right up. So, if u see me and my cheeks are red, u can bet I've had a few recently!

The 24th Day ---

1. Hit myself in the face with my bedroom door. Cold-clocked. Great way 2 start the day.

2. Got blown off (as in stood up ... not blown!) 4 one of my appointments for work.

3. Picked my car up from the shop ... $721. That hurt a helluva lot worse than the fucking door this morning. Then on top of that I got 2 Christina Aguilera concert tickets. I hope I can find somebody to sell one to who wants 2 go with me ... either that or find a really hot date 2 go with me who puts out. I have til April.

4. Remembered 4 the gazillionth time what the most important and beautiful thing in my life is and what a complete wreck of a human being I'd be if anything ever happened 2 her ... my mom.

5. Listened 2 my song "Adonis" 20 times listening for things to change in the mix before I put it online next week. While doing this I also wrote out a plan of action for the next 6 months regarding my music career. So much 2 do and never enough time.

6. Watched Smallville - incredible episode. Personally, I'd like 2 see a Clark Kent/Saturn/Oliver Queen gay subplot that ends in a fuck-a-thon, but somehow I don't think the CW would go 4 it.

7. Went 2 my buddy Tim Kaye's house to watch the Musicology Tour DVD and afterwards I fucked a teenage mutant ninja turtle ...

While Tim, his brother and their little puppy, Sam, watched ...

On a serious tip, I got some really bad news tonight. Some truly horrible awful awful news ... I'll get more into that tomorrow. Right now, I'm going 2 get some shut eye.

"News guy wept and told us earth was really dying." - David Bowie, Five Years

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Day Twenty-one

2006-10-17T05:02:00.000-04:00

The highlight of my day today by far was helping my mom place an online personal ad. She's never had one before and I've been promising to help for a few weeks now, so I finally sat down and did it. OMG, I haven't laughed that hard in a REALLY long time! My mom is just the cutest, funniest, most adorable little person (she's 5'1") U could ever meet. I think we did a good job basically capturing her essence in the ad though, which is very hard 2 do.

I don't care what happens, in my mind no man is good enough 4 my mom. She hasn't had a man worthy of her yet. So, I hope it does work 4 her, but my own personal experience with personal ads online is that they DON'T WORK! I remember 2 - 3 years ago, before I met that little blonde heartbreaker, I had an ad up on match.com. I did the whole 7 day free trial thing. I swear I sent like 25 emails and maybe got 1 response! I was over it from then on. HOPEFULLY, though, my mom's experience will be quite different She deserves somebody who's gonna love her and treat her right. So, time shall tell!

I haven't been to the gym now in about 8 weeks because of my lower back. It's stopped hurting now, but I haven't gone out of fear of re-injuring it a FOURTH time this year. Well, wouldn't ya know it, I don't know what I did, probably from unpacking the storage closet yesterday, but now my fucking upper back is hurting, right under my left shoulder blade, piercing pain everytime I move my arm or somebody touches me. Why the fuck am I so frail? If I'm going to get injured just doing menial tasks, then I might as well start working out again so that I can least keep a little definition. I wish I knew the secret of physical strength, cuz apparently I'm missing it!

I've been thinking a lot about what to do 4 my birthday since it's rapidly approaching. I've had several friends recently do dinner, do a party, do the club/bar scene ... not sure what I want to do. I'd like to get a group of people together but it's kind of short notice now ... plus I have this fear ... kind of like when I put on a show ... that nobody would show up. Which is ridiculous cuz I DO know a lot of people ... but I did have a show last year where only 10 people came ... that was just embarassing. I don't know ... I'll probably do what I always do which is basically nothing. My mom always takes me out though and that's a good time.

The original plan was to have a CD release party on my birthday this year. Funny how plans can change, right? Well, at least I have my new single release ... don't forget to stop by MySpace that day (Oct. 26) and check it out!

"Who's the man with the master plan?" - who the hell sang this rap song and what was it called?

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Days Eighteen through Twenty

2006-10-17T04:20:00.000-04:00

A tragedy always seems to bring family together. When I was on the plane coming home late Thursday night, I got a call from my Grandmother that she was in town. My grand-aunt Marie was on life support. It appeared she was losing her longtime battle with cancer so my grandmother came with her sister and niece and nephew and sure more will be on the way. I always hold out 4 hope, but it's not looking too great.

Saturday I spent some time with my grandmom and mom and sis and aunt T - we went 2 lunch (and had the gayest waiter on earth! My grandmother said he had a "swish" - 2 funny, fucking excellent service though) and went to visit some new Baltimore transplants in the family - my uncle Willy and Aunt Kitty. Willy is 90 years old and still has a youthful fire and spark that rivals any 20 year olds! Absolutely amazing!

Me, my uncle Willy and aunt Kitty

My whole world ... mom and sis

When I was ten, my grandmother died of cancer. She was only freshly 48. I don't remember a lot from my childhood oddly enough, but that time of my life I have certain memories that are extremely vivid. I can recall her funeral so clearly ... visiting her in Sinai when she was sick ... the smell of that place ... that uneasiness ... the mother of 7 kids and absolutely beloved by everyone that knew her ... it seemed like everyone's world was being ripped apart ... including mine. That's the last death I've experienced of someone close to me, thank God! My grandfather died a couple of years ago and it was so sad, of course, but we just weren't that close. My heart goes out to my grandmother's brother and his family and everything they must be going through. I simply can't imagine what it would feel like today to lose someone close to me. I am so incredibly blessed. I know we all gotta go someday, but that's why I want so feverishly to enjoy life as much as I possibly can. That's what this 30 day countdown to 30 was supposed to exemplify in a roundabout way, but I feel like I've been failing. One thing it's definitely shown me is just how much time I waste! It's amazing. If anything I'll learn 2 manage time better. But it's always the little stuff I don't write about that sometimes is so much more meaningful.

One thing I can definitely start managing my time better with is my business which has suffered from my neglect of late. I got a little reminder of this when I went to my friends' Adam and Denyse's housewarming late on Saturday. They are 2 of my business partners and they have been extremely successful and are some of my role models in the business. Adam is actually younger than me, but he's been doing it for three years and I've just completed my first. I can definitely see things happening which is great ... can't wait 4 that next $900 check to come in ... sure will come in handy now!

The pregnant happy couple w/daughter

The key is to do a little bit, 30 minutes work, every day and I know that ... sometimes I just don't do it, LOL. If you're reading this and still don't know what business I'm referring to, send me a note and I'll happily tell u all about it cuz anyone with a beating heart and a mouth can do it, brain is only half necessary, ambition is the most important ingredient.

So, on Sunday I basically wasted another day. I spent 3 hours unpacking the storage closet so I can pull out my winter clothes since it's starting to get cold. I have a LOT of fucking sweaters! My room is nowhere big enough to hold all my clothes ... yet ANOTHER reason I know I'm a card-carrying rainbow boy!

"We're celebrating no more drama in our lives." - Mary J. Blige, Family Affair

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Days Fourteen through Seventeen

2006-10-13T20:54:00.000-04:00

I was initially excited about going 2 Atlanta ... not because of the three days of classes I had 2 sit through, but because I was going 2 go party in a new town. Couldn't wait 2 meet some Hotlanta boys. Well, imagine my surprise when I found out that our hotel was a good 30 minute drive from civilization! I'm talking $40 in a cab, one way. Not only that, I didn't have internet. And I really couldn't go party with my co-workers, as cool as they are. Don't know how they feel about the whole gay thing yet, I'm still discovering that one.

Anyhoo, the Atlanta airport is fucking HUGE. On our trek to claim our baggage, we passed this fantastic African Art exhibit. Not the kind of thing U'd expect 2 see in an airport. My camera was packed away unfortunately or else I'd have taken tons of pics.

The classes were actually really good. I definitely learned a lot and will be able to do my job a lot better now, which in turn means I will make more money. Yay for me, only it's still not something that I love ... however, it's ok. I don't mind it so much. I can do this for awhile.

The only thing near our hotel was Ruby Tuesdays. Needless 2 say they saw a lot of us!

Met this really cool chick at the class named Kenya who was an Atlanta native. She offered to take me into the city to show me around. I just wanted to go to the gay bars, but what could I say? So, we hopped on "the Marta" and she took me to a place called the Underground. S-H-A-D-Y! It was basically deserted except for the occasional lurkers who looked like they were scoping u out. When we finally found civilization, I thought we'd lucked out. There seemed to be a lot of people all hanging out in this huge park in the middle of downtown. I thought something may have been going on later. I asked her, "what are all those people out for? What's going on tonight?" She looked at me and tried not 2 laugh and said, "They're homeless!" Damn, Gina! I wanna go back home!

So, we eventually found a bar, had a nice little drink/chat and went on back out to the hotel. I was tired and read' 2 go by then anyway.

The next night I'd had it. I didn't care that it cost me $80. I got a cab and I went 2 a place called Blakes on the Park. As soon as I walked in I felt like I was at home! Why are all gay bars anywhere U go basically the same? It could have been Central Station ... only the guys were cuter and it was more crowded for a Wed. night. I sat alone, happy as can be and didn't talk 2 anyone. Finally, some nice guy started talking to me. It was his birthday. He introduced me 2 everyone, and I mean he knew EVERYONE ... even the woman who was a drag queen who was a Janet Jackson impersonator ... and I got drunk. Good times. Well, it was good times til I started talking to this guy at the bar who's Dad was dying. Damn, he laid it on me. I'm a very empathetic person so I felt really bad 4 him. I HAD 2 drink more.

The guy who's name I unfortunately can't remember now, offered 2 take me 2 some other bars, but it was late and I was drunk and had to be up for another long day of training in 5 hours, so I hopped in the cab and sped back to the hotel. Yes, I believe I slept 4 the whole ride.

The next day was by far the longest day of them all. Class seemed to go on 4ever, we went straight 2 the airport, hung out there for about 4 or 5 hours ... by the time I got home it was almost ten. I ate some din din and passed the fuck out.

Atlanta was not the "Hotlanta" I had hoped 4 ... but I'm sure it will be cuz next time I go, it won't be on business!

"Is that your car? The SK-8? R U riding alone? Can I be your date?" - Missy Elliot, Hot Boys

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Days Eleven through Thirteen

2006-10-13T14:52:00.000-04:00

Sorry 4 the lapse, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I was away on business in Atlanta and they didn't have an internet connection in my room ... well, they did, but U had 2 pay $10 a day. I was having none of that.

So, backing up to last Friday, I went with my sis on opening night 2 see The Departed. Loved it. Leo's best work in my opinion. Jack was fantastic and I'd still love to have Matt's u know what in my u know where. With Mark in the other u know where. ,Hey, I'm allowed 2 dream, right? Anyhoo, the only part I didn't like about the movie were all the fucking annoying ass people who were around me in the theatre, especially that smelly ass chick 2 my left who had the nerve to answer her cell phone mid-movie. WTF?

So, Saturday night was my friend Gordon's birthday and I went down to DC 2 celebrate with him. Oh my goodness, a whole lot of drunken fun was had! I don't know how many I had, but as U can tell, it was quite a bit. The funniest part is I was probably the most sober at the end of the night. My fave memory? 3 am Spaghetti and a boiling toe ... I'll say nothing else. Here are some pics:

Me and the Birthday Boy

Just Hitched - me and Rob, aka Boiling Toe

Someone's sad cuz he didn't have his glowstick ...

Luckily I found it 4 him!

We danced with no pants!

Someone was drunk on the subway ride home!

The next day? I dunno, I went home the next morning and got out of bed around 1 or 2. The rest of the day was pretty much wasted as I prepared for my trip 2 Atlanta. More about Atlanta in just a bit ...

"2night I'm gonna party like it's 1999!" - Prince, 1999

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Days Nine and Ten

2006-10-06T01:06:00.000-04:00

What happened 2 the pics 4 the last 2 days??? Wasn't nuttin' 2 take a pic of. All I did basically was go to work and watch the boob tube. Is this really how I wanna spend the last days of my twenties? What the hell!

That's ok, this weekend I have some cool plans and then I get to fly 2 Atlanta next week. That'll make up 4 it.

Though little fun was had, I DID manage 2 learn 2 valuable lessons these past coupla days.

1. I need a better system of getting shit done. What happens is I have these overwhelming goals that seem unattainable when viewed from the bottom of the mountain. I'm a logical, plan following kind of person ... so I need 2 develop daily plans of action for myself, things that R actually feasable, and attack them every single day. One foot in front of the other as they say. This will become my work in progress 4 the next few days.

2. Respect truly is something that is earned ... even from yourself.

"R.E.S.P.E.CT. ... find out what it means 2 me." - Aretha Franklin, Respect

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Day Eight

2006-10-03T21:04:00.000-04:00

So, how did I spend three hours of my day today? Like this:

I'm SO glad I only have to go into the office and deal with rush hour traffic one day a week, because if I had to do this everyday it would be like watching 15 hours of my life weekly just roll by ... literally.

And how did I spend the other hours of my day today? Working, working, working. No fun at all. BUT I do have Atlanta to look forward to next week. I've never been. Even though it's going to be for my job, I intend 2 have a very fucking good time when class lets out. I have to share a room with one of my co-workers. I wonder if he's figured out I'm gay yet? Who the hell am I kidding? OF COURSE he has! I even have a fucking rainbow colored grin!

"I suck so much dick it's ridiculous!" - Soce, Sucking Dick

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Day Seven

2006-10-03T20:38:00.000-04:00

$519,ooo for this little ass house in Baltimore city???? R U kidding? That's half a million dollars! So, I went strolling through some neighborhoods that my agent sent me on with houses that I could actually afford ... I am so sorry, but I am NOT living in the hood! I'm beginning to think the only way I'm going to own a house is if I leave Baltimore, seriously. It's just gotten way too ridiculous up here. Old run down townhomes that three years ago would have appraised for $70K are now appraising upwards of $180K. If I'm going to spend that much money, it's gonna be for something nice and that DOESN'T need a lot of work, like a lot these older homes do. My color of the day - frustrated. I might be in an apt. for a little while yet.

BUT my color of the day turned to happy later on when I finished recording the additional percussion and stuff for "Midnight." Add in some rain, windchimes, some indian drums and a few more keys and presto ...

Now my full attention is to going 2 be on prepping my new single "Adonis" for my birthday release. I hope people like it ... well that goes without saying, huh? I'm getting those pre-lease unreasonable fears I always get that nothing I've done is good enough and I'm ready 2 just jump into my next project to try and do something better. The only upside to that is I think I DO actually keep better and better. This new release is going 2 be ... 4 lack of a better word ... different. I'm so ready 2 go record some kick ass new r&b/pop stuff now though ... I got that itch. If only I could record as much as I write ...

And if everybody goes "EWWW" 2 Adonis? Hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

"I won't put my hands up in surrender. There will be no white flag above my door." - Dido, White Flag

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Day Six

2006-10-02T01:37:00.000-04:00

So, the Ravens won their 4th game in a row today and I was there in the final minutes!!! Yeah, there at the bar plastered out of my mind. My friend does it to me everytime. Mind U, I'm not a football fan, but the energy of other football fans can be contagiouis.

Baltimore is truly small ... I'm sitting there at the bar of this restaurant, THE restaurant I always go to to get plastered, and in walks Pat, the man who engineered "Deviant" and whose studio I recorded at. I hadn't seen him in months, so it was good to see him, plus I had been meaning to call him cuz I wanna get back in the studio. Talk about perfect timing! It's time 4 me 2 get back in there and bring MY sexy back, damnit.

Not much happened today. Got drunk, slept it off, watched TV ... yes I wasted my day, but damnit I enjoyed it!

"Enjoy the silence..." - Depeche Mode, Enjoy the Silence

Day Five

2006-10-01T11:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday evening at dinner with my family, my mom asked me the same question she asked me every year, "So, what do you want 4 your birthday?" I jokingly, replied "World Peace." Though that would be a nice birthday gift, I don't think I'm that important.

I didn't know how 2 answer her though. I want the same things I've always wanted. It's funny, but it seems like the older I get, the less value I place on material things and the things that I truly want seem to get just a little bit farther out of reach. So, in all honesty, just as long as my mom and my sis are here to celebrate it with me for another year, I'll be one blessed, happy little soul.

Now as to what I'm actually going to do come that time, I've no idea. I was going to throw a party cuz I intended to have my own house by that time, but that process is going much slower than I had hoped. House hunting takes a long time, huh? So, now ... I don't know. Probably just call up some friends and go down 2 the local gay bar.

Speaking of the local gay bar, guess where I ended up last night? Try as I did to do something different, to go someplace other than the local gay bar on a Saturday night, that's exactly where I ended up! At least next weekend I know I'll be in DC for a friend's birthday.

Well, last night at the local bar I drank, I laughed, I admired pretty boys and I witnessed a fight between 2 gay guys. Drama! All in all, a relaxing kind of fun was had ... well, relaxing up until the drama, but even that wasn't too bad.

My el cheapo Wal-Mart camera lost all battery life yesterday, so I didn't get any good pics, but looky here ... I happen to have one of me and Kel from the previous night, and Kel is who I spent most of last night chatting it up with ... GO HEAD, GET ON IT! Ain't he just precious...

"One lie tells the greatest story ever told." - Kelly Osbourne, One Word

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Day Four

2006-09-30T17:10:00.000-04:00

Everyone who knows me know that I am a lightweight drinker. 2 good strong drinks, 3 max ... and I'm toast. The up side of this is that I never have 2 spend a lot of money 2 have a good time and I will probably never be an alcoholic ... I mean what alcoholic do U know gets drunk off of 3 drinks? The downside 2 this is that 2 hours into the night I end up looking like this:

That's my friend Terrence. He told me last night he's going to start a MySpace Page and have 3,000 friends in a week. He probably will. This is his bf, Brad:
And the reason I was so drunk last night is right here:

That's one of my favorite bartenders in all of Baltimore. Ain't he adorable?

I took so many great pics last night, I can't put 'em all on here, but needless 2 say I did have a fantastic time which is what I set out 2 do. I ran into my ex for the first time, but that was bound to happen sooner or later ... after all Baltimore only has 2 gay clubs ... I mean what major metropolitan area only has 2 gay clubs? Anyhoo, he was still the prettiest boy there. I hope in time it won't be so awkward 4 us.

Well, don't know what I'm doing tonight yet, but I'm sure it will be something fun! So far today all I've done is watch LOST. I'm now all caught up and ready 2 go for the premiere on Wednesday. But no, I'm not addicted 2 TV, not one little bit...

"I think she's ready 2 blow!" - Justin Timberlake, Future Sex/Love Sound

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Day Three

2006-09-28T21:39:00.000-04:00

What a friggin' blah day. I went to work, came home and worked some more, watched The Lake House, which should have gone straight to video it was so blah, had a huge headache and took a long nap. Was supposed to go out to PWs tonight, but by the time I woke up and heard all that rain and thought about gettin' dressed and driving 45 minutes to go drink too much and be scared driving 45 minutes back, I thought better and watched "Smallville" instead. Plus, my sometimes designated driver to PWs is in Tampa, no doubt having a great time. Now my ear hurts. I need to see an ENT but I don't get my benefits for another month. Shit. No pics today even it was so blah, unless U wanna see my ... PSYCHE!!

Thank God tomorrow is Friday. I'm ready to have some fucking fun.

"I'm sorry 4 blaming U ..." - Christina Aquilera, Hurt

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Day Two

2006-09-28T21:17:00.000-04:00

I finally closed my first account for my new job this morning. What a way to start the day. I might just be ok at this after all. Still, I couldn't help thinking to myself ... I wish I could make a living doing what I love ... maybe one day, but that day is not today. Time is flying too fast, I gotta make sure I get my finances right now, not later.

One great thing I like about this job is the flexibility. I get to be outside as much as inside and it's not monotonous like my last job. It was an absolutely gorgeous day outside. I DID get a little carried away trying 2 take pictures though ... not the best idea while you're driving!

He's smiling, I swear! I played hooky on my business meeting and went and had dinner with some fellow deviants instead. Deviant behavior was indeed the talk of the day.

After dinner the plan was to go out drinking ... is there anything else to do in this town? Don't answer that. Anyhoo, this almost 30 year was way too tired, I don't know why, it's not like I had an exhausting day, but I was ... and I backed out. I DID however have a long internet chat with a very cute boy who I've been talking to quite a lot lately. Too bad he lives so far away.

"Age ain't nuttin' but a number, going down ain't nuttin' but a thang." - Aaliyah, Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number

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Day One, Part Deux, Continued, etc.

2006-09-27T01:24:00.000-04:00

If you're asking yourself, "Is that a drumstick in his hand?" then yes, yes it is.

I went 2 the studio tonight to work some more on "Midnight". I was seriously considering scrapping this song from the project because it just wasn't sounding the way I wanted it too ... and U know I get emotional about my shit like Ms. Badu ... but Brian, the boy with drum and stick there, convinced me to keep it on. So we worked it tonight ... and we still have work to do, but it's coming along.

So, this is the studio where I've been recording my E.P. It's a completely different set up and environment than the studios I recorded at before for my last two albums ... they were geared more solely towards hip hop and r&b. If U didn't know, I rock it out on this project, baby! Not 2 worry though, this was just some exploration 4 me. After listening to the new shit by Beyonce, JT and my boy Timbaland (who ripped the HELL off of Prince on FutureSex/LoveSounds), and my girl Xtina I can not WAIT 2 get started on some new pop/hop shit, but hopefully it will be in MY OWN studio next time ... that's if I can wait that long ... I have new songs coming out my drawers!

BamBam loves 2 beat on his drums! These R some cool fucking drums though, all the way from India! They're the hotness!

So, Midnight still needs some tweaking but yes, it's going on the E.P. for sure ... an E.P. I still don't have a title 4 yet. Damn, it's 1:30 and and I have 2 be in 5 hours. This ain't cute. I fucking got a job and I have 2 be a PROFESSIONAL!

"Midnight crawling, towers falling. In this black hole I am sorry but I just want U 2 luv me." - Saturn, Midnight

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30 Days in the Life...

2006-09-27T00:48:00.000-04:00

I had this great idea this mornin' ... or at least it seemed so at the time. Today is September 26 ... in one month I'll be leaving my 20s behind and I'm actually looking quite forward 2 it. I think some wonderful things await me.

I'm also premiering my new single, "Adonis" on my birthday. So, my bright idea was to do a sort of picture diary of how I spend my last 30 days as a twenty-something ... yeah, seems kinda dumb now, but I've already started ... so here goes ... if anything this will make sure my ass is out doing stuff and not home looking at TV ... I hope

So, this is me going to work this morning dressed up in "business attire". Yuck! But hey, gotta make that dough somehow. I was in a good mood this morning though. A woman flirted with me at the gas station while some dude asked me 4 change. In the rarest of moments, I actually gave it to him. He wasn't a bum though, I think he just needed to make a call. Nope, if he was a Baltimore bum he would have asked for a cigarette or pulled out his dick at me ... and yes that has happened on more than one occassion. Charm City is lovely, ain't it?

"I'M GONNA MAKE U A DEVIANT!" Talk about shameless self promotion! When people see a White Hyundai with a DEVIANT sticker on the back, they know what time it is. They know a star is rolling through ... that's right ... in a Hyundai, mofo! PIMP! LOL.

"U ever seen Saturn? No, not the car, but everywhere we R." - Beyonce, Upgrade U

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OMG, The Neighbors R Gay!

2006-09-23T20:54:00.000-04:00

I'm used to hearing thumping, bumping, fucking and some other stuff living in an apt. complex, but yesterday I heard something coming from next door that threw me 4 a loop. They were playing "Show Me Love" by Robin S. and I immediately thought, "OMG! My neighbor is a big homo! But what about that girl he lives with? But he DOES have a whole group of bois that come around an awful lot!"

Now, does listening to Robin S. "Show Me Love" make my neighbor gay? I don't know, U tell me! LOL. Obviously, it doesn't. But isn't it funny that we can equate certain artists or music with being queer? For instance, if I hear a boy listening to Madonna, oh honey pleeeaase, he is SO gay! Or showtunes or Pet Shop Boys or wuteva, u get the idea. I wonder if I'm going to be one of those artists? Like will people say, "ooooh, he's listening to Saturn! He MUST be gay!" ?

Ironically, I have just as many if not more straight people who dig my music than homos. Which is awesome! I definitely don't want to be pigeonholed either way. But it's good 2 know that songs about man on man action don't turn off ALL the breeders! And NO, not all my songs are about cock! thank U very much. :-)

Anyhoo, another interesting tidbit ... b4 I came out ... I actually wrote love songs about girls!! They were disingenuous obviously. At least now I'm keeping it real. Just imagine if all the gay people in pop music (god, there R really toooo many 2 name, aren't there?) actually wrote music that came from the heart, their experiences or their life ... there wouldn't be such a thing as "gay" music because we'd all be over it already! Well, I think we'll get there eventually. In the meantime ... I have a WHOLE lot of stories 2 tell in song!

"Have U ever wanted 2 play with someone so much U'd take any one boy or girl?" - Prince, Anna Stesia

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Blah duh Blah ...

2006-09-19T19:34:00.000-04:00

"Time keeps on slipping, slipping ... into the future." Who sings that song? I can't think of it. But damn were they on to something!

I blink and it's 3 weeks later. So, what's new?

1. Hurt my back again. It's healed, I hope, but I'm scared to go back to the gym. My body is doing strange things.

2. Found a house and fell in love with it ... but NOT with that price tag. Why is Baltimore so damn expensive? Why don't I just leave? Something is keeping me here. I don't know what it is, but I've learned not 2 fight my feelings, just go with it.

3. Started my new job. It's way better than my old one. Yeah, I was running low on funds, but it was SUPA nice having 3 months off.

4. Been feelin' a bit disconnected musically speaking, but in 6 weeks, U WILL hear my new single on MySpace and the promotion machine will be hard at work for the first time in a f-ing long time.

5. That's about all. Life's pretty dull at the moment. U ever just feel blah? I feel blah lately, not sad or anything, just ... indifferent. Could it be cuz I'm leaving my 20s soon and my perspective is taking a big shift? Blah, who the hell knows!

"Don't U know that time's not on our side?" - Mary J. Blige, Time

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The Godfather of Go-Go

2006-08-30T00:56:00.000-04:00

"So, who's Chuck Brown?" I asked earnestly, cuz honestly I'd never heard of him b4.

"WHAT??? U never heard of Chuck Brown?! He's the Godfather of Go Go, fool!"

And so I was schooled last night in D.C. at the 9:30 club. I wasn't there 4 a concert, but I was actually an extra for a commercial they were shooting for the D.C. Lottery. I had never heard of Chuck Brown, but apparently he's HUGE in D.C. and has fans all over the world.

I must confess the man was 2 cool. He was sportin' some green crocodile leather shoes and a gold tooth and pimp hat, he just needed the cane. I LOVED IT! He had an amazing band and during a break in the filming of the commercial he busted out on his guitar with a gorgeous rendition of that famous song from "The Godfather".

I can't wait to learn how to play the guitar. Yes, I've been saying that shit for years, but I'm finally getting around to doing all the things I've been saying I was gonna do. Plus, it's not like I've never played before. I played this character in a play once who was a guitar virtuso, so I HAD to learn a few songs.

I hope in 40 years people will still be listening to my music and chanting to me on stage and screaming my name ... oh, wait a minute ... they don't do that now! LOL. Not yet anyway. But that is definitely something 2 strive for. 40 years running and the man is still doing his thang! Much much respect!

Oh, and did I mention Shucka Wucka??? She was TRULY Chuck's biggest fan last night. I hope I have a fan one day that's wild 4 me like that ... only hopefully she'll have all her teeth.

"Wind me up, Chuck!" - and so the crowd roared.

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A Sunday Muse

2006-08-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

I don't wanna think 2 hard,
but God knows it's heavy on my mind.
No matter life's temporary pleasure,
it's fulfilment that I seek, so elusive and so hard 2 find.

I don't wanna get too deep,
but God's been showing me some things.
I keep running and running and doing everything 4 me,
but no matter where I go, I never find the things I seek.

I don't wanna judge nobody,
but there are earthly kings of wealth and fame,
But they sit on glass thrones
and when the glass breaks, we remember not their face or their name.

I don't wanna go 2 far,
out here everyday proving that I'm alive.
But when this life becomes a shadow,
is it then we see that He's spent everyday proving he's Divine?

I don't know if I believe in Heaven,
I don't know if I believe in Hell,
but Lord isn't it ironic that when the truth is revealed
there's no way and no one that we can tell.

"When U know that Christ is singing in U then the song that U sing will never end." - Commissioned, Strange Land

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Random thoughts of a Scatterbrain

2006-08-23T11:20:00.000-04:00

1. Am I corrupting America's youth? I just got propositioned by a teenager. EWWWW! I felt dirty just reading it. Somebody call the law! This goes out 2 all would be courters: please for all things holy and sane, at LEAST be legal. (Or 17 like in my song on Virgin Poet ... yeah, buy it now -- love free promo!) No, just kidding about the 17 thing, I actually like my men to be ... well MEN. In the words of Bernie Mac, "I'm a grown ass man"!

2. While I'm on the subject of would be courters ... I was discussing with someone last night, yes at the gay bar - shut up! - about how a lot of people will write and say, "Oh, Saturn, I think you're hot!" and not say a thing about my music ... even after I ask them to listen. Maybe I AM in the wrong business. Maybe I SHOULD be doing porn instead of music. Then the boys would be like, "Oh Saturn, I wish you had more to offer ... like I wish you were ARTISTIC!" I can never win here, people.

By the way, if you haven't voted yet for which song to keep on my profile, please go vote. I've had 20 votes so far, 2 of which say they hate all my songs. And I actually respect that because I've at least elicited a passionate response. It's better than apathy I suppose. Isn't it??

3. More tunes no money wtf - this summer I wrote a shit load of new music. It was very exciting to be in the zone again, so to speak. Not having a job definitely helped. Alas, I've gone through all my moolah, so I'll be starting a job soon and find myself in the same predicament. A shit load of material and not half the resources I need to record half of it. Fuck it. I'm gonna build my own in house studio before the year is up. U just wait and see. Then it's gonna be like, 'damn, every week that bastards pushin' a new song on us!"

4. Speaking of TX , my little business is picking up some serious momentum down there ... now if I can only match it here in Baltimore. Anybody wanna make some serious lifetime dough? Email me today with this special tagline --> "Saturn, you're hot! But I don't care, I just wanna get paid." :-)

5. I'm on a mission to go out and mingle more, go listen to more local music ... I used to be really into this but it all kind of got buried beneath all my burgeoning responsibilities. Well, that's all changing. I love music too much to not go and hear it all the time. Any body wanna chill with me?

6. There R many things I'm good at .. but even more things that I suck at. 4 instance, I suck at sports and I REALLY SUCK at promoting and computer tech stuff. I need to find someone who is good at promotion and will work really cheaply. I have some new music coming out the pike here soon and I want the world 2 hear it, but I don't wanna have to go to every blog and beg 4 a listen. *sigh* therein lies my dilemma. It's kind of like that saying, "if a tree falls in a forest, does anyone here it?" I always kind of had this picture in my mind of this lumberjack man standing there oblivious to the tree falling until it landed on him, thus making him go SPLAT!!! That amuses me. I blame the RoadRunner cartoons 4 this.

7. I truly admire and stand in awe of independent musicians who say FUCK IT and just go out on balls and faith to pursue what they love no matter what, with no safety net. I'm a fucking coward in that regard, but I'd like to say hats off to Tim Kaye, Tori Fixx, and Aaron Carl, all exceptional musicians whose music I love and all friends of mine who are doing what they know they were put on this earth to do.

Now, what the hell am I here for? I got it! I should make a porno musical!!! I've found my calling! LOL.

No, maybe I'm just in the wrong market. I think I'm going to take a cue from Queen Madge and make an album of children's lullabyes.

"Should I carry on, will it matter when I'm gone? Will any of this matter?" - Madonna, How High

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Eat, Drink, Repent, Repeat

2006-08-19T09:49:00.000-04:00

So, I'm driving home last night from the most GHETTO Six Flags I've ever been 2 in my life (lawd, that's a whole post by itself!), and when we get back into the city my sister asks, "what are the three things you will always find in Baltimore?"

I quickly answered, "a chicken box!"

"Yeah, that's one! And you know what else? A Liquor Store and a Church. I don't care where you go in Baltimore, you'll find some damn liquor and a church!"

And I'm like, "yeah, so you can be a drunken high mess all week and then go to church on Sunday to repent."

We were only sorta joking. But then we thought it would be fun to count the chicken box joints, the liquor stores and the churches we saw all the way home. Y'all, it wasn't funny no more.

On EVERY SINGLE BLOCK for the next 5 miles, there was AT LEAST one asian owned chicken box/cheesesteak/chinese food joint, one or more liquor stores and one or more churches! I've lived in this city for 6 years now and this still surprised me. Not that I didn't know how the inner city breaksdown, but on every block??

In some cases, the liquor store and the church were SIDE BY SIDE! In one case, they were actually connected!

But my favorite of them all? We passed a store called: FAMILY DISCOUNT LIQUORS WTF?! So, DeDe and her ten kids can all go to the liquor store and they don't need coupons? What the hell do they sell, beer bottles for infants? Pacifiers that dispense milk and kahlua and cream? Spiked Red Kool - Aid for Johnny and his friends?

I can write a hundred pages about all the shit that is wrong with Baltimore City, and it would probably be the same thing for a whole lot of other inner cities too. Eat, Drink, and go to Church and give 'em your last dime so U get your blessing next week!

Anyhoo, I know I've been out of pocket here for a month. LOTS has happened in that time, no time to blog. I should be getting back to pretty regular entries now though kiddies.

The EP is sounding better and better by the way!

"We need 2 stop chokin' on the truth and start smokin' on a plan, man." - R. Kelly, As I Look Into My Life

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Headlines ...

2006-07-14T19:41:00.000-04:00

I've been reading about Israel and the war over there and it got me to thinking again about just how much I take for granted ALL the time. Wars and more wars and more wars ... I guess that's the way it's alway been, but no one ever seems to heed history.

And then I was reading about the serial killers in Phoenix, AZ. People are scared to even leave their house at night because they have not 1, but TWO serial killers at large, just killing random people. Reminds me of the snipers in DC from a few years ago.

Then I read about the molesting teacher who got probation for having sex with one of her 13 year old students, yet she's STILL sending him nude photos and now it's back to jail she goes. (If she had been a man, there wouldn't have even been a THOUGHT about probation to begin with).

I typically try to avoid being political or depressing in this blog cuz there are plenty of other places 4 that, but fuck, who needs to try? Just read a few headlines!

Good vs. evil, right vs. wrong, all this talk about revelations and living in the last days ... I think that all of civilization after Jesus was resurrected has been the last days, really. There has always been overwhelming evil in the world, but yet we always manage to survive, to advance, to reach 4 the light.

Is there really some kind of despicable darkness in each of us? I mean, really, where does it come from? How does the soul die enough inside a person to make them capable of extreme acts of violence and hatred? I don't understand it, and I pray to God I never will.

"Children waiting for the day they feel good ..." - Gary Jules, Mad World

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Straight Men

2006-07-14T00:23:00.000-04:00

I've had a lot of time 2 be online this summer, cuz let's face it, instead of workin' the biz I'm sitting on my ass most of the time. But I have 2 ask, what is the fascination some gay men have with "str8" guys? I mean, if a guy is sucking your dick or fucking U up the ass, he's NOT straight! HELLO! Call it BI, call it denial, call it "down low", call it whateva U want, but STRAIGHT it is not. Everybody's always worried about a label. I've done my share of boys who claimed to B "straight" and let me tell ya, they can take it better than some of the gay guys, so again, straight they ain't!

ANYHOO, I spent some time today with a group of REAL straight guys, and I'm only bringing this up because sadly it's not something that I do very often ... most of my male friends these days are gay ... but, it's just like hanging with gay guys. Just substitute pussy for dick and it's all the same. They are just as freaky and doggish and perverted (if not more so) than we R.

So, whether U like pussy or dick, who gives a shit? Why is it STILL such a big deal? I'll never understand.

We spend more time, even in the gay community, spewing out new ways to be divisive rather than united. Whether it be race, money, sex or whateva, we R constantly try 2 define ourselves by labels.

Well, I have a label. I'm a DEVIANT ... because I strive to deviate from the norm. Now, go pick up my CD DEVIANT, damnit! LOL.

"One love, one life, when it's one need in the night." - U2, One

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10 Funny Things in 10 Days

2006-07-11T02:15:00.000-04:00

1. Nipplemania - one nipple biting contest in a lesbian bar starring yours truly. Yep. Don't even ask! That was the same night I played pass - the - hookah with Dan Paul et al. at this intriguing club that my new lovely best-dallas-friend Paul took me to called Minc. I was so drunk that night I had to sleep in my car. And 2 the twinkie I called a big whore, I didn't mean 2 offend ... it was truly a term of endearment.

2. Muffintop - no, it wasn't the fact that the Denny's waitress dropped my english muffin on the floor that earned her this nickname. This comes courtesy of a funny boy who's even snarkier than me: he dubbed this poor child muffintop because her pants, which were way too tight, were pulled up so high on her waist that all her fat rolls just kind of got squished out the side and over her pantline ... making her look like ... well, a muffintop. Rude? Absolutely. But at 4 in the morning, it was absolutely hysterical.

3. Confessions in a Tin Can - I'm more than grateful that I have a car to drive while I'm down here, but this car, let's just say it has personality. It rumbles, it groans, it shakes, it spits out CDs without warning, I think the radio is actually possessed. For one solid week, the ONLY cd it would play was Madonna's Confessions on a Dancefloor. Hell, I might as well have put a gay pride sticker on it that week! Anyhoo, one night I'm on my way to the bars, I'm at a stop light and I'm singing and dancing in my seat as I am prone to do, when a truck pulls up next to me and this howdy doody cowboy muthafella motions for me to roll down my window. Well, I'm in the gayborhood by now, so I don't think he's necessarily dangerous ... he must be one of those Brokeback cowboys. So, I roll my window down. He's kind enough to tell me that my hubcab flew off my tire and was rolling down the street about a mile back. The truly funny part of this is 4 hours later on my way home ... I stop off and retrieve the broken and bent hubcap from the side of the road. This car was laughing at me, I swear ... or maybe it was the vodka.

4. Dumb Wal-mart Ho - I've come 2 expect to find some really stupid people working at Wal-Mart whenever I go there. I'm NOT saying that ALL Wal-mart workers are stupid cuz that would be stupid, stupid! But I'm NEVER disappointed. I went in to take the gay car for an oil change and it was mass confusion. Nobody knew what was going on. It was truly sad. So, I sat and watched them change the oil. They FINALLY give me my sticker and I take it in to pay and oh great, I knew she was stupid from the very first second I laid eyes on her. Smacking her gum, playing with a label maker and adamently refusing to acknowledge the fact that I'm waiting there. Two minutes later, without even looking up at me, she says, "One second." Then she walks away. By the time she comes back a line has started. Does she help us yet? Nope, still playing with the label maker which she can't seem to get to work. Frustrated, she yells, bangs it on the counter and finally turns to me. I tell her I'm there to pay for my oil change and she takes my sticker and walks over to the computer to scan it. The conversation went something like this:

Dumb Ho: It says here they haven't started on your car yet.

Me: What are you talking about? I just sat out in the heat and watched them finish my car with my own eyes!

Dumb Ho: Well, are you sure it was your car? It could have been a car that looked like yours.

And she was serious. I think I may have popped a blood vessel or two. Stupid people really irritate me to no end.

Well, come to found out, the dumb guys outside just hadn't cleared my car in their computer yet. So, frustrated as hell, I went to shop. I came back from shopping and thankfully a nice 80 year old was there to help me instead of the trasy dumb ho. It's a shame, though, that when she checked me out she gave me the wrong set of keys.

5. Meryl as the Devil - What a Bitch! It was glorious! Meryl stole this show in this one, y'all! Devil Wears Prada was really cute, funny and fun. Pirates 2, on the other hand, was confusing, long in the tooth and not funny. Well, Johnny made me smile occasionally.

6. Just Jack - my latest gig? I've been asked to play a gay man. Now that's funny. They even told me to stay in character the whole time. hee hee.

7. Saturn the Star - some drunk bloke at the club here in Dallas actually remembered my performance last year at Baltimore Pride! Small friggin' world! He got so excited he called his friend who had went to Pride with him and made me say hello. It was soooo cute. Then he went away when I wouldn't show him my dick.

8. Mommy - I love my mommy more than anything, so I was very happy she came down to Texas for a week and I got to visit with her. It's also good to know that when she's down I can make her laugh. But she made me laugh, too. I don't know what was funnier, looking under the booth at the restaurant to find her teeny weeny ooompa loompa legs dangling cuz she's too short for them to touch the floor, or her reaction when I told her that the blonde boy who served us our food could come back and "serve me anytime he wanted."

9. The Nutcracker - I'm not a HUGE fan of drag shows by any stretch of the imagination, but I was so impressed by this one drag queen that I actually gave her every last dollar I had in my wallet. Don't worry, honey, I didn't have that many! But the bitch WORKED!! HARD! She danced and did back flips and her claim to fame were these fucking splits where she actually jumped up and landed in a split so hard you could hear her nuts crack! I was in abosolute awe. Or maybe it was the vodka.

10. In Da Club - Saturn doing the humpty dance at S-4 (with NOBODY else dancing, mind U) and actually rapping along with all the words? $10.
Saturn riding his friend Paul piggyback across S-4? $20
Saturn's friend Paul attempting to do double pirouettes while drunk in the middle of the dancefloor at S-4? Priceless!

"Sweetie pie, I think it's your lucky night, I'm getting buck wild tonight, I'm gonna have fun, fun, fun, fun!" - Destiny's Child, Baby's Daddy

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The Second Ring Anniversary

2006-07-03T01:19:00.000-04:00

It's hard 2 believe that on June 29th this blog actually turned two years old. Where the hell does the time go? I don't blog nearly as much as I used to and I don't spend any time at all really promoting it or linking it or doing anything with it really, but still I keep it around. I guess it's just a good way for me to reflect without actually keeping a diary, keeping the really personal stuff to myself, of course. I guess one reason I haven't blogged as much this past year is that a lot of really personal things have happened. From almost being killed (it was only God that spared me and my family that day) to coming out of a personal storm with a loved one that I thought was going to destroy me at one point, I've done a lot of growing up this past year and have a newfound respect for time and life. Some things that I have done/figured out since my Second Ring Anniversay:

1. I STOPPED THE MUSIC! I took out my calculator and found out just how much money I've spent on my music career and compared it to how much I've recouped ... and I wept. Then I got over it. Saturn has been hibernating. But he shall make a return ... in a big way!

2. I STARTED A BUSINESS! I started with my music career in mind, mind U. It's doing pretty well so far. I expect it will continue to grow and it's something I actually enjoy. And it has nothing to do with sex and boys, which seemed to be all I ever thought about! Go figure!

3. I'M ALMOST A GROWN UP! Cuz I'm finally in a relationship. With a dude. A beautiful dude. One who actually calls me and considers me and cares 4 me and appreciates me. Whew boy, did I have 2 kiss a lot of frogs to find this prince! Woo - hoo!

4. I QUIT MY JOB! Though I'm not quite starving yet, I have no safety net anymore. I cut it up. And I absolutely don't miss it. If all else fails, I still have my body, right? I think subconsciously I'm just looking 4 an excuse 2 give porn a try. Ha ha.

5. I WANT 2 SAVE THE WORLD! I mean I must. How else can I explain my superhero fetish? From Harry Potter to the X-Men to Superman to my brand new fascination with all things Smallville. God, how did I never realize how smoking hot Tom Welling is? Anyhoo, I think a lot of artists have superhero complexes, rather they realize it or not. Why else are we artists?

For the next year, I hope 2 blog more. I hope 2 love more. I hope 2 f*ck more. I hope 2 travel more. I hope 2 work out more. I hope 2 learn more, write more, sing more, act more, meet more people, discover new meanings in life, buy a house somewheres and make money doing something I actually enjoy 4 once.

4 my third ring, I hope 2 continue a journey that sees me renewed constantly. 2 always feel 18, newly emancipated and seeing the world with brand new eyes of optimism and possibility and fire and zeal, that's the way I always want 2 feel and that's exactly the way I feel right now.

And I end this blog entry asking the same question I asked in my very first blog entry two years ago: 'Does anyone actually read these things anyway?" The only difference now is it doesn't really matter. In ten or twenty years I'll look back on some of this and read it and go 'wow' and be glad I took a little time 2 put some of my scattered thoughts into cyberspace.

"Today is a special day we call our own." - Toni Tony Tone, Anniversay

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New Songs I'm Working On

2006-06-27T19:09:00.000-04:00

Guess what? I've been writing!! I've never done this but I figure I can take advantage of this technologically interactive advanced medium we call a blog and let you in on my creative process. Below are snippets of lyrics from 2 songs I'm working on right now. Don't know if I'll ever use them, but so far they're grooving in my head. My head is in a strange place right now. Anyhoo, what do U think?

"Another One"

... I've come 2 take the blood of another man's son
tied 2 the end of another man's gun.
All that is evil, we'll shoot 'em on the run
with all that is righteous pumping out my gun.
A line in the sand and everyone demands
that another rises, another falls.
Who's in command, the tin or the sand man
as another one beckons, another calls?
It all comes down 2 another one.
I said it all comes down 2 another one.
I said it all comes down 2 whichever one.
I said it all comes down 2 another man's son. ...

in progress ... Here's another:

"Where Do U Go?"

Can someone tell me how do U win if the goal keeps moving out of sight?
In a world where U sink or swim how do so many just coast along the tide?
Tell me how do I find my way when I'm lost in the wilderness of every day?
Hey, hey, hey ... can I afford tomorrow?
Hey, hey, hey ... or should I live today?
Hey, hey, hey ... there's just so many ways.
So where do U go 2 find the answers?
Where do U go 2 find your way home?
Where do U go in search of the answers?
Where do U go?

Don't know why, I just felt like sharing. Maybe it's the utter isolation I feel from being in Rockwall! Ergh! But the good news is I'm going to see Superman Returns tonight with a cool fella I met Friday and some of his friends, so I can give this social hibernation a break.

"I haven't seen U in quite a while. I was down the hole just passing time. Last time we met it was a low lit room, we were as close together as a bride and groom." - U2, Until the End of the World

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A Couple of Pics from the Across the Street Bar

2006-06-27T18:50:00.000-04:00

Me and Patrick Booth

Me and Kris Landherr

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Oh, Shit

2006-06-22T21:52:00.000-04:00

Why is it that I tend 2 get so much more accomplished when I'm busy? I've had nothing but time to prepare for my show tomorrow and have I? Nope.

It's not that I didn't try, mind U. It's just that all I'm going to be doing is singing really and I can sing these songs in my sleep. After all, I wrote and produced them, who knows them better than me? So, why am I so nervous?

I think it's because I haven't performed my music since October of last year ... that's truly a long fucking time. Last year I had the pleasure of performing with a band, if only briefly. I also on one occasion had back up dancers and and a head set mic and did my whole Britney/Janet thing ... only I actually DID sing and dance at the same time.

It's different when you're on stage by yourself. All I have is my little CD, a microphone and I have to somehow entertain a group of perfect strangers, most of whom could care less about me and my music, for about 45 minutes. I can't be spontaneous performing to a track like I can with a band, and I don't have the strict routine nailed down that I did when I had to dance and sing ... it was all choreographed to the "T".

Not tomorrow night though. To make matters worse, this is a band venue. I've never done the perform to track thing at a band venue before, it's always been at more intimate settings.

Shit. And I haven't even run through the songs yet. I kept turning on the songs today but just didn't feel like singing. What's up with a singer who doesn't feel like singing? Well, I've also been a songwriter who hasn't felt like writing much lately, too.

Something's going on. My moons need 2 re-align. Hopefully they come back into orbit b4 tomorrow night.

Shit! What the hell am I going to wear?

"I'm not afraid of what I'll face, but I'm afraid 2 stay." - Madonna, Jump

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Music & Mojitos

2006-06-13T17:32:00.000-04:00

I really didn't plan well for my 2 months down here in the south. I got a surge of creativity and no keyboard or piano. I'm finding places where I can send my CD and I don't have any to send, I only brought enough to sell at my gig next weekend. Urgh, I finally have the time I need to make some headway but I don't have my resources.

Ah well, I'm sure I will find a way. I'm nothing if not resourceful!

The good news is I have beaucoups appointments lined up now 4 my business, so that's started to go better.

I'm also started 2 put together a game plan for next year. Pride festivals, showcases, gigs galore ... only I don't know if I'm going to go the pop/rock band route or go the dance r&b/pop route. I HAVE decided to have my CD release on my birthday this year though, that's gonna be hot. I'm starting to plan for that now. AHHHH, so much 2 do!

I'm still looking 4 a rich daddy 2 pay 4 all this shit! ;-)

Tonight feels like a mojito night. Ah yes, it's calling my name! Some nice tunes in my ear, some hot man 2 pay some attention 2 me, and a few mojitos 2 make me feel good! That's the ticket!

"See I'd have all the money in the world if I was a wealthy girl." - Gwen Stefani, Rich Girl

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Splendid!

2006-06-12T19:07:00.000-04:00

I've had no fucking clue what to name my next project. Seeing as it's all recorded and being mixed now I figured I'd better come up with something. I wanted 2 be different and not name it after one of the songs, but to take a phrase from one of the lyrics on it or an overall feeling and it call it that. I came up with several ideas like:

Look We Can Touch the Sky - I liked it at first but then it started 2 sound like a folk record. Yuk.

Taboo - Not catchy enough, plus the name of a dance song I wrote years ago. Doesn't fit the "vibe" either.

Looking at Stars - yeah, who gives a fuck.

I Wanna Be Beautiful 2 U - 2 long and it makes me think of James Blunt. Though the "blunt" reference could tie in 2 the "grass" reference in that particular song, but that's reeeeally stretching it.

Taste the Illusion - a rainbow of flavor, Skittles! Um, no, I don't think so.

My Love Is Good - reminds me of Whitney's "You Give Good Love" ... Crack is Whack.

What is Your Affliction? - nope, doesn't quite work, though I may retitle one of the songs that.

Forget Your ABCs - Nope, I don't want 2 be accused of promoting illiteracy.

I Just Want U 2 ... --- hmmm, that theme works with every song on it, but it has no magic. Sucks ass! I suck!

So, back to the drawing board. I was ready to just call it "Splendor" after the first song (I had always thought about "Splendor in the Grass", but yeah, that's been done, several times I'm sure.) Then it hit me. And I liked it. I don't know if anyone else will dig it or not, but 4 right now, 4 this moment in which I really don't have much else 2 do ... it's working 4 me. Here it is:

"The Splendid EP"

4 anyone not in the know, EP simply means a short record, it's not a full length. Some EPs have been known to actually have "EP" in the title, unless I dreamt that up. Whatever. I like it.

Yeah, I'll hate it tomorrow.

"I think you're beautiful, I think you're splendid! It was remarkable, just being kids again." - Saturn, Splendor

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Gay Bashing in New York

2006-06-12T11:47:00.000-04:00

Famous gay diva Kevin Aviance was gay bashed in New York and is now recovering in a hospital. You can read the full story here.

Wow. What really shocks me is that this happened in New York City of all places, one of the queerest cities in the world. This makes me wonder how much this actually does happen and we just don't hear about it because the victims aren't famous. I don't personally know Kevin, but I am acutely aware of who he is and how important a figure he is to OUT and PROUD music because he's been doing it for years and scoring hit after hit on the dance chart and I know several people who do know him personally, so that makes it feel like he's family 2 me.
It IS refreshing and wonderful 2 see so many OUT musicians rallying around Kevin and showering support and help and love right now. What a family! That is beautiful 2 me and I'm so thrilled that I belong 2 this family. Discovering OUTmusic a few years ago really has made an amazing difference not only in my music but also in my life.

Whatever happens, whether it be a benefit concert, a fundraiser or whatever, though I'm nowhere near New York, I will definitely lend any support that I can.

There R 2 things that stick out in my mind right now ... he was attacked a group of young guys ... he could have very easily been taken from us. Thank God it wasn't worse. Second, this could have very easily been me ... and it might be me one day unless we can do something about the hate climate in this country. We have evolved SO very much since the days of MLK, I just hope we continue in a forward motion and don't start backpeddling because I've become keenly aware of increased hostility towards blacks AND gays lately and it's a bit disturbing.

I've been truly blessed in my life 2 have never had an altercation or even a hint of a fight with anyone, even after I came out ... I'm not gonna pretend though that I won't be checking over my shoulder after my next gig in 2 weeks.

"We've got 2 find a way 2 bring some lovin' here 2day." - Marvin Gaye, What's Goin' On

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Ramblings from the Nether Regions

2006-06-11T22:52:00.000-04:00

Sunday night in Rockwall, Texas.

My friend B is going to a leather daddy bar back home in Bmore. I'm thinking about going to the bars in Dallas, but do I really want to make that 40 minute jaunt tonight? Last time I went out there by myself, the natives did NOT display that infamous southern charm. 2 people spoke 2 me all night, one drunk guy who got mad at me cuz I had no interest in watching a drag show. Another old guy at the bar mistakenly thought because I was friendly that I was interested. Many people did look, but nobody said a word. See, this is different. Back home I could go out by myself on any night and run into someone that I knew or strike up conversation with a stranger, but Toto, we R not in Kansas anymore.

The business side of things is going much slower than I'd hoped, but it's coming along. Good things do take time. Meanwhile, I don't know hardly anyone in these nether regions. So, I took to chatting on gay.com again after staying away 4 almost a year and I've discovered 3 things:

1. If U don't have a picture, no one will talk 2 U, even though U make it perfectly clear U R only interested in chatting and making friends ... I didn't know I had to be attractive to be a good conversationalist.

2. If u R not looking 4 sex no one will chat with U. Sure, they'll start off chatting thinking that they'll change your mind, but when they find out they can't because U have a bf, it's buh-bye.

3. I had a third thing, but it's slipped my mind. My damn back hurts.

Ok, so right now I'm watching videos on Launch ... Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 (damn, that lead singer guy is fucking beautiful). And I must confess 2 being a new fan of the song Buttons by PCD. HOT HOT HOT! I'm in a creative mood ... only I don't have a keyboard or piano or anything down here. Damn, foiled again, Batman!

I DID hang out 4 a wee bit with one of my best friends from college. She has not changed a bit! It was like, 4 a moment, that we'd never left each other even though it's been 6 years. Upon reflection, though, it occurs 2 me just how much I'VE changed in the last 6 years. Unbelievably so.

I was putting together my set list earlier today 4 my gig in 2 weeks at the Across the Street Bar. I have 2 find someone who has a cd player cuz I refuse 2 buy one for one gig that's not even paying. Surely someone will have one I can borrow. I'm very excited about performing again because it's been a long time. I only hope my back is better by then because I tend 2 go quite spastic on stage.

I also began 2 think about my next musical projects and it occured 2 me that I may never have the resources 2 record and release even half the songs that I've written 2 date ... and that made me unbelievably sad.

Twizzlers R good, they make my mouth happy. And I miss my boyfriend.

More videos on launch ... maybe I'll write some lyrics 2night.

That's all. Good night.

"Sunday morning, rain is falling. Steal some cover, share some skin." - Maroon 5, Sunday Morning

2 Ole' Farts

2006-06-09T15:17:00.000-04:00

This apple didn't fall very far from the tree apparently. Yesterday me and my dad were BOTH sitting around the house with some major back pain. He's having upper back issues while I'm having lower back issues. It was truly a surreal and funny site, given the fact that we also look alike, only he's now about 3x as heavy as me. Maybe 4. Don't get the wrong idea though cuz I'm pretty fucking skinny.

That's probably what brought my back pain on again though, my vanity. I always seem to injure it at the gym working out trying to get some more muscles. I don't even know why I bother half the time, cuz I still look the same as when I don't work out. I secretly keep hoping I'll wake up with those six pack washboards abs that I so love on other men.

U'd think I was 80 the way I'm walking and moaning right now. Your back ain't shit to play with, and as this is the second time in just 3 months that I've had this issue, methinks maybe next time I should hire a personal trainer to work on my lower back strength ... only I can't afford one. If only I could offer sex instead of money ... and I have a few trainers in mind, too. Mmmm hmmmm. My back would get a work out then!

"It's Friday and I'm ready 2 swing, I pick up my girls 2 hit the party scene ..." - Aaliyah, Back and Forth

In and Out?

2006-06-05T20:03:00.000-04:00

Ok, it's been a long ass time since I've posted but a lot has gone on. Most notably, I quit my job, moved to TX for 2 months to expand my business (*which if U wanna make some money, shoot me an email) and I was also working on finished up my third cd.

The cd is being mixed, the job is officially long gone, and now I'm TX staying with my dad and working with him to expand this business ... which brings me 2 the point of this post.

I've long since been OUT. In fact, there are only 5 people in this world close 2 me who don't know that I'm into boys and for the next 2 months I'm living with 2 of them. Yowsers! It's been a long time since I've been in the closet, but oh, the habits come back quickly. Thankfully, I have my own laptop and it stays on lockdown!

I know, I know ... how could anyone who knows me possibly NOT know I'm gay? I dunno. Maybe they do know, but I just haven't said anything ... and I don't intend 2.

Does that make me a hypocrite? Especially with my song "I'm Coming Out" ... I mean I didn't call it "I'm Coming Out ... except for a toe". It's so ridiculous, my dad asked 2 hear my latest CD and I'm still figuring out ways to put that experience off! I can just imagine him listening 2 a song like "Boy 2 Boy" or even worse, heaven forbid, seeing my music video. The poor man would probably pass out.

In any case, me and my dad have not been very close through the years and it just so happens I feel like we are finally getting closer now than we've ever been before. I always thought by working a business together it would naturally bring us closer and I was right. We ARE alike in so many ways it's kind of eerie. So, why jeopardize all that now? I also don't want 2 put our business into jeopardy either because I have absolutely no idea how he'd react if I told him. At this point, I figure it would be kind of selfish of me 2 say anything about it. That's the rationale I used with my grandparents anyway. They are from a different generation and I KNOW how they feel about it ... so why break their hearts this late in the game?

I did broach the subject with my Dad recently. He's a Jehovah's Witness so I asked, in the middle of a lengthy conversation on religion and the Bible, how they viewed homosexuality ...

"It's NOT accepted."

Of course it isn't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to reconcile my sexuality with any sort of religion, I'm still working on that one. I do know I stopped feeling sorry for it years and years ago and life has been so much better for it.

So, to keep up the facade or 2 smash it all in, that is the question. I could go on indefinitely not letting my dad and my grandparents truly know who I am under the notion that it's better 4 them that they don't know ... but is it really?

What do U think?

"Everybody's got a right 2 luv, everybody's got a right 2 lie. The choice U make, it ain't no piece of cake, it ain't no muthafuckin' muthafuckin' piece of pie." - Prince, The Truth

Make my Baby Gay!

2006-05-15T08:47:00.000-04:00

There is an interesting article I read on Yahoo today talking about how couples are now flocking to the US and forking over up to $2oG so that they can pre-determine the gender of their child. I didn't even know we could do that. It makes me wonder ... what if they identified the "sexuality" gene and found a way so that they could toy with it so that parents would also be able to pre-determine the sexuality of their child. Somehow, I don't see heterosexual couples flocking over to the US and saying "Make my Baby Gay!" Still though, it's an interesting point 2 ponder ... the evolution of Science vs. God's natural selection.

Of course, there are those who still hold 2 the notion that being gay is some kind of lifestyle choice one makes which, in my opinion, is just silly. If you're gay, damnit you're gay, and chances are U were born that way. Now you can choose to be honest about it or choose to lie about it, but just because you may not live a "homosexual lifestlye" doesn't mean you're not still a big 'ole mo.

Seriously, though, I wonder how far this new science will go. Will couples start choosing their child's eye color, their character traits, whether or not they're a genius or an imbecile? These are all things that are as arbitrary and yet genitically specific as whether or not you're gay, right?

"A pill that will stop the wrinkles, a pill that will stop the pain, a pill that will make a baby never seek political gain. What's it all 4 when U can alter biology?" - Prince, New World

The Boob Tube

2006-05-12T12:02:00.000-04:00

The plan last night was to go Brian's house to hear the progress on my songs for this EP we're hoping to have completed b4 I leave for TX in 2 weeks, but because of some computer glitches he was having in the studio we had 2 reschedule. So, what did I do? Jack shit. I sat on my tired ass and watched the boob tube, something I've always loved 2 do.

Now, mind U, there's a million and one other things that I should have been doing and needed 2 be doing, but I just couldn't pull myself away. It was so much easier to just veg there and let other people's fictional lives wash over me and numb me 2 comfort.

At a conference recently, a woman who wasn't much older than me and yet was making $25,000/month remarked that poor people always have the biggest tvs and rich people have the biggest libraries. I instantly thought of my out of work alcoholic uncle and his 500 inch flat screen tv that takes up all of his subsidized living room and chuckled.

It's so amazing to me how much little time there is in one day and when U start trying 2 make the most of the time, it makes U realize how truly precious and valuable it really is.

I have many goals I'm reaching 4 now and I think I have to divorce the boob tube because it's allure is just too overwhelming. If it's there and I'm alone, I will not pick up the phone, I will not write or practice, I will not do the things I need 2 be doing 2 advance myself, instead I will pick up the remote like a puppet and fucking veg. I'm an addict.

I have 2 cancel my Netflix subscription, at least 4 a while. It will be the hardest thing I've ever had 2 do, but it must be done. God, give me strength!

My only solace will be that I'll still have internet porn.

Stop moralizing on me, bitches!

"I feel numb. 2 much is not enough." - U2, Numb

Nookie Green

2006-05-11T14:08:00.000-04:00

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession." "I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Marys."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. "I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

Ok, that one took me a sec 2 get but it was funny as hell. If U don't think it's funny, that's because you're not sitting at work bored out of your mind!

"You're fine as hell from head 2 pumps, if U were mine we'd BUMP BUMP BUMP." - Prince, Lolita

A Little Saturn History

2006-05-10T23:46:00.000-04:00

As I stripped naked for my nightly ritualistic shower, I was daydreaming about where I wanted 2 b in 2 years, specifically about a home based studio that I intend 2 build in my house. Granted, I don't own a house yet, but hey, this is daydreaming, right?

Anyhoo, I started 2 think of all the old old songs I've written that I would record just for nostalgia sake, never to officially release. I'd use these old songs as kind of a practice to get my feet wet in running my own studio. Then I really started going back in the recesses of my mind and pulling up songs I haven't thought about in YEARS! And I was like, "damn, this shit would have been HOT back then!" Then it struck me ... my level of creative ouput then compared to now. Granted, I've written literally hundreds of songs, but when I was around 14 I'd say I probably wrote more songs in a month than I've written this entire past year. Life shouldn't get in the way, life should B the way.

Then I went back even further and thought about the very first songs I ever wrote. And I had 2 laugh cuz it's been so long, but when I first started writing I wrote songs for a group I wanted 2 put 2gether called "Storm" - 3 boys, 2 girls. Lawd, how corny! It was the summer of 1988 ... I think I was eleven ... and I had this grand imaginary notion that I'd meet these people, form this group called Storm, record these brilliant songs I had written and immediately become child prodegies and world pop stars. OMG. This from a shy boy who didn't even like speaking 2 new people, much less singing in front of them!

It wasn't until 1990, 2 years later when I was 13, that I developed the name "Saturn" and started writing songs purely for myself. I even cut a couple of demos when I was 15, how could I have forgotten about them? I got such a bad response from them (except from my Mom of course, who couldn't believe a 13 year old wrote such nasty lyrics, LOL) that I basically gave up on the notion of ever being good enough to pursue it for real. So, I chose to pursue acting instead, but secretly I never stopped writing or dreaming ...

The title of my first finished song as Saturn was "Good Things Will Come" and I will record it one day. It seems only fitting and now more than ever I believe good things will come 4 me.

I lost all the hard copies of my old old songs, including all the Storm songs, so it's all just retained in my brain. Just 4 prosperity sake I'm gonna post the titles here so that I never forget (cuz I had to struggle to remember all this, but it's weird, it's like I unlocked the gates and it all came flooding back!)

STORM - LOVE & FEAR ( 2 sides of a cassette, I didn't know what a CD was back then)

Side A:
Somebody
Runaway
Love Is Such a Mystery
Passing Time
Changing of Season
Take It From My Heart
Mission Impossible
Anyway U Love Me
Romeo & Juliet
Don't Cry Aloud

Side B:
Pot of Gold
Fire
Love & Fear
Fancy Footwork
Partytime
Love Is Not a Game
Goodbye, Senorita
Ancient Lovers
Friends
The Jam Train

All songs that R significant 2 me ... and songs U will NEVER hear! :-)

Why am I even posting this foolishness? It's after midnight and I'm slightly delirious!

"In a world of desire where your heart is on fire if you can learn then U shall inherit a thousand years of my life and though my pain and strife U shall see U'll find the love that U long 4." - Saturn, Good Things Will Come

The 5 Things that Make U Happiest

2006-05-10T01:11:00.000-04:00

Here are my 5, in no particular order:

1. Uncontrollable laughter with people I'm close 2.

2. Mind blowing, body wrenching, guilt free orgasms, rare though they may B.

3. Kick ass roller coasters that make me wanna ride again and again and again.

4. Getting completely lost and caught up in a movie or a TV show or a book or music or a play.

5. Creating something that engages people and sharing it with them and having them enjoy it with me, ie: music, plays, writing, entertainment ... the only things I've ever wanted 2 do with my life.

Hmmm, as of today if these 5 things make me happiest, I am determined 2 do more of them!

Soooo, what are YOUR 5 things???

"All I really want is 2 B happy and 2 find a luv that's mine, it would B so sweet." - Mary J. Blige, Be Happy

13 Days

2006-05-10T01:02:00.000-04:00

13 days left of having a safety net. Oh, dear Lord. I admit I was scared 4 some reason when I went 2 tell the owner of the company I quit. I wrote a nice little letter and everything. What did I think would happen? All he said was "goodbye" and "thank U 4 being a good employee." I'm surprised he didn't say "would U like 2 biggie size that?" it was so impersonal. Damn. That's it. After five and a half years. I walked away KNOWING I'd made the right decision, if only I'd done it sooner.

Now comes the hard part. Yes, I have a plan ... sort of ... but it doesn't involve running back 2 get another boss. I want 2 be my own boss. I want 2 have control of my life. I'll run out of money in 3 months and probably HAVE to get at least a part time job of some sort just 2 eat and pay the bills, but 4 some strange reason, while in the eyes of the world it may seem mad, I feel quite liberated. No regrets . Now, let's see if I say that when I'm eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

Let the journey begin!

"If God is a DJ, life is a dancefloor." - Pink, God is a DJ

A Prod in the Ass

2006-04-26T14:59:00.000-04:00

This is really happening. Just another month b4 I make the big move. Yikes. I'm actually not as scared as I thought I'd be, more excited really.

I wonder if I can book a show or two in Dallas and Charlotte this summer? I haven't performed music since October and haven't been on the stage since February ... U know I'm an attention whore! Actually, I'm not, it's all too easy just 2 sit in the shadows 4 me. That's why I need 2 prod myself in the ass (hee hee) every now and again 2 take charge and go 4 what will bring me the most fulfillment.

Yes yes yes ... that's just what I need, a good prod in the ass 2 get me up on stage again.

I must confess on the new music front, I have mixed feelings about my EP. By the end of May, I'll know whether there will be a new Saturn release for 2006 or not. Meanwhile, I have a fresh batch of Deviant CDs coming in just for my trip this summer. Wouldn't it be grand if I were able to sell them all!

It just takes a prod in the ass.

Is prod even a word?

"Vodka and 7 straight 2 my brain puts me under false impressions, hiding all the pain." - Prince, The Dream Factory

StripBoys

2006-04-24T10:37:00.000-04:00

I went 2 the grand opening of the brand new all gay all male strip joint here in Baltimore the other night. This is the place, I guess, that is replacing Atlantis which shut down a couple years ago. It was a small quaint place and though the boys aren't dancing on the bar in front of you butt ass naked, they are almost right there on top of you the place is so small. As usual, there were some hot boys, some not so hot boys and one in particular that was dayum fine and sweaty and just scrumdidliumptious!

I must confess, though, I remember the moment five years ago when I first stepped foot into the Atlantis. At that time that was my first trek into ANYTHING like that. I did not expect 2 see naked boys on top of the bar. Granted, I hand't even come all the way out of the closet back then. In fact, I believe I was still a virgin back then! My oh my, the things that can change in five years!

Now, at this new strip club, as erotic as it was, I'm sure, supposed 2 be, 4 me it simply wasn't. I don't know why, but I just feel like I've seen it all before. Kind of a been there done that syndrome, I guess. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Am I growing up or just being jaded? Maybe it's a mixture of the 2. I know it would have CERTAINLY helped if any of the boys had actually gotten hard, alas, they did not. But it was amusing to watch as they let overfully grown men sniff at their gaping bungholes. If I didn't have a bf right now, there's no telling what kind of depraved acts I myself would find myself in on a consistent basis, because it seems like it just takes a lot more these days to excite me than it used 2. But being in a relationship has certainly taken the emphasis off of sex and put it on other things. Again, I don't know if that's bad or good, but that's just the way it is.

To commemorate this and my first little trip to Atlantis, I posted my song "Atlantis" (which I wrote about the experience and a particular stipper I met there) on my MySpace page for everyone 2 listen to. It's also available on I-Tunes and on my CD, Deviant, which can be purchased here.

Sometimes I miss my ho-like behaviour and sometimes I don't. I definitely DON'T miss being lonely though. I'm learning more and more everyday how much more fulfilling and satisfying the heart is over the cock.

"Do U wanna get paid or do U just wanna get laid?" - Saturn, Atlantis

Back 2 Life

2006-04-18T08:50:00.000-04:00

2 days on my back and I wasn't even going 4 a porn record! Nope, in my case it was debilitating lower back pain. Caused by what? No idea. I know that I strained some muscles during my last pseudo-workout at the gym, but that was last Tuesday. Well, anyhoo, it's a LOT better today, thank God. It's not 100% but at least I'm not walking around like I'm 80 and crippled today. It really sux being limited like that. Just another thing we all take for granted ... free movement.

Speaking of free movement, I spoke (at nauseating length) about my "free movement" this summer. He thinks I've really jumped off the boat like a madman by deciding to leave my comfy, cozy, easy and incredibly dull and lifesucking job this summer and be unemployed for 90 days while I build my marketing business. He thinks I'm really fucking nuts. He recounted my every failure of the last ten years, including the miserable job I've done of attaining any semblance of a music career and thinks I'm living in a fantasy world. He tells me over and over again, take a good job, stay there and build a retirement fund for myself over the next 30 years.

Can I vomit now? Sure, I've had failures, but all my failures are just bringing me that much closer to success. I'm not going to give up on what I want because that will be the greatest failure of all. He'll never understand that. And from the outside looking in maybe I do look like a big loser. I'll be 30 this year and what do I have to show for it? Nuff said.

But life is more than acquisition. Happiness is not found in status, at least not 4 me it isn't. Money's great, sure, but money is only great because of the choices it gives 2 U. That's why I'm chasing this money dream right now after all, not only for the security of my future, but also because of the choices it will provide me. I'll be able to work my music, act, write, travel ... whatever I want to do and that will be a quality life, not being enslaved to some fucking desk job. Ugh, the thought of 30 more years of working in an office 4 somebody else makes me want 2 stab myself silly!

Anyhoo, enough of that. I'm springing back 2 life here. I ordered another run of Deviant since I sold out, so while I'm planning out my next album launch I can start focusing on marketing Deviant again. Which, by the way, if U dont' have it yet, U can get it right here.

"However do U want me? However do U need me?" - Soul II Soul, Back 2 Life

The Gates of Hell - Charlotte Pride

2006-04-12T11:27:00.000-04:00

So, I was really and truly hard at work today when I felt the urge to surf Yahoo and find out when the dates for Charlotte Gay Pride were. I wanted to see if it would coincide with my time down there this summer to see if perhaps I could perform. Well, what popped up in my search? This non-sense: Operation Save America Apparently, some people think that the Charlotte Gay Pride festival is tantamount 2 the gates of hell:

“Charlotte Pride,” that horrific abomination where homosexual perversion is paraded in Marshall park in Downtown Charlotte every spring, is in deep trouble. Thank God! - Rev. Flip Benham, Operation Save America, formerly known as Operation Rescue. We pray that this year, God will push the radical homosexual agenda all the way into the grave and leave no marker for it! We pray that this will provide a bright ray of hope for all who are dealing with “Gay Pride Parades,” and that city after city will be set free from this lie from the pit of hell. We pray that many lost in the bondage of homosexual lust and sin will be set free by the gospel of Jesus Christ. How did all of this come about? Gentle Christians have been living out their faith in the streets of Charlotte for the past four years, and bringing King Jesus to the very gates of hell – Charlotte Pride. Simple little Christians are saying no to godlessness and standing for righteousness in their city. We have petitioned Peter Gilchrist, the District Attorney for the City of Charlotte, gone to numerous city Council meetings to speak, and have met with the Charlotte Police Department. While they have been “helpful” in certain respects, they are caught in a quagmire of tolerance and helplessness over definition and application of laws currently on the books. While they have said, “Our hands are tied,” we have reminded them that the hands of the Church of Jesus Christ are not.

These people seriously need 2 get laid. I mean, really, fucked good. Probably up the ass.

"Accusations. Lies. Hand me my sentence, I'll show no repentence. I'll suffer with pride." - Depeche Mode, Condemnation

More Dirty Talk at Work

2006-04-06T12:51:00.000-04:00

Crazy red-head: What's a fluffer?

Me: You've never heard of a fluffer?

Crazy red-head: No.

Me: Well, I think it can be for both gay or straight, I'm not sure. But a fluffer is the person on a porn set who keeps the guys hard in between takes by you know ... (I use hand and mouth gestures.)

Crazy red-head: (disgusted) Yuck! Oh my god! I would never wanna do something like that!

Me: Oh, I would!

Updates on my life will be coming soon ... major changes goin' down!

"... baby, don't spit me out!" - Prince, Tick Tick Bang

3121

2006-03-30T14:54:00.000-05:00

So, U knew it was only a matter of time b4 I wrote about the NUMBER ONE ALBUM IN THE COUNTRY, right? U GO, BOY!

Prince has debuted at #1 on the album charts for the very first time in his 28 year career. And I must say, I have been jammin' 2 it ALL WEEK!

It's hard 2 believe he's only had 4 number 1 albums and that his last number one album was the soundtrack for Batman waaaay back in 1989!

Somebody said 2 me last week when I brought up 3121 that they had heard the single Black Sweat and was not impressed because it sounded like something they'd heard b4 from him. I had to think about this ... and they were right, it sounds just like Prince. But is that a bad thing? No matter how many genres he fuses together or what detours he takes along his vast musical landscape, he has developed a sound that is all his own and it is unmistakable. I remember when I first heard Tevin Campbell's Ssssh on the radio thinking 2 myself, "damn, that sounds like a Prince song!" And it was! In fact, he released his own version of it the following year on The Gold Experience (one of his best albums EVER, period!) So, I say yes, it sounds just like everything he's done before and when you're one of the most lauded musicians of the last century, how could that possibly be a bad thing?

So, onto my review of 3121. It does sound like something he could have released in the mid-90s, but from beginning to end it ROCKS. I've listened to it repeatedly now and while I don't agree with a lot of critics who know nothing about this man's music (some of them say it's his best work since Sign 'o' the Times? What R they smoking?) I do agree that it is solid all the way through. It's his most enjoyable commercially driven record since Emancipation.

So, here's how I rank the songs from my favorite on down:

1. The Word - FANFUCKINGTASTIC! If anything on this album sounds like a departure for Prince, this is it. It's cool, it's sleek, it's mysterious, it's catchy as hell, and I haven't read one complaint (well maybe one) about it's content seeing as it's religious in nature. And that guitar and those drums at the end ... LAWDHAMERCY! He worked it out. This is hands down my favorite track.

2. 3121 - FUNK ... FUNK ... FUNKAYYY! This was just too much when i first heard. When he came in with that Camille voice I just knew I was in vintage Prince heaven. My only complaint with this song is that it's too short! He should have made this title track a ten minute opus like other ten minute title tracks he's done including Crystal Ball, The Rainbow Children, Come and Purple Rain! I just can't get enough (and I can't get that hook out of my head!).

3. The Dance - Ok. I knew I loved this song before I heard it because it was my favorite song on The Chocolate Invasion that he released through his music club just a few years ago. I had no idea he had reworked it and made it even better! The screaming and pleading at the end brought back memories of The Beautiful Ones - one of my fave Prince songs ever. While it's not as good as The Beautiful Ones, it's a haunting, stirring, lush and beautiful ballad.

4. Black Sweat - this shit is just TOO hot. I didn't really appreciate until I heard it full blast on my stereo. Sparse, funky and perfect that deep drum bass is enough 2 make u sizzle on a cold day. It's the perfect mix of "Kiss" and "Hot Thing".

5. Fury - my favorite thing about Prince is his guitar prowess. This old school Prince rock song kicks ass. Nuff said. And if U missed this song on Saturday Night Live, look it and up and watch it. Now!

6. Te Amo Corazon - everybody (including me) scratched their head when he released this song as his first single. It's just not for the masses, BUT it is quite simply beautiful and elegant. The music is perfection, it melody clings 2 U and the lyrics are so romantic it just makes U wanna ... well, U know! Love it ... I played it again and again and again and it got better each time.

7. Incense and Candles - 90's style R&B. When it's this good and catchy, how could you resist? A lot of people on some message boards dismiss this song, but it's very commercial sounding to me. It's smooth, produced to be slick and polished and he even raps without making me smirk. It's hawt.

8. Beautiful, Loved and Blessed - this song was a grower. I thought it was ok upon first listen, but after hearing for over a week now I must admit it's wonderful. Everything about it, the passion, the message, that kick ass end part with the guitar licks ... and U know what? Prince and Tamar sound damn good together!

9. Love - This song might rank higher if it weren't for that Atari sounding space bubble noise he inserts near the end of the song. It sounds like something that came off my 1989 Casio. It also reminds me of The Max 4 some reason. But since I liked the Max, that's fine with me! My fave part of this groove is the chant at the end ... "awwww shake that thang, come on!"

10. Lolita - this is cool, catchy pop, nothing special though.

11. Get on the Boat - Nobody knows how to put together a jam session like this man! This sounds like it might have come from The Rainbow Children. Very jazzy and jammy.

12. Satisfied - classic slow jam. Sounds like On the Couch part II, but I like On the Couch better. I wish he had extended it and put in some more guitar, but it's a cool, wispy little ditty as is.

Ok, Prince. 3121 is da bomb. Just don't make me wait another 2 years for your next album!

"This is where the purple party people B!" - Prince, 3121

Shit or Get Off the Pot

2006-03-23T21:46:00.000-05:00

I don't know what 2 do. I have 2 admit it's nice 2 b wanted, but I wish someone else could make decisions 4 me in cases like this. I had two appointments today and basically had 2 offers. Great, right? Well, I would have to work double the hours that I work now, but they would both put me at almost triple what I'm making right now, and that's just in the first year! Again, great right? Well, if I do that, there is no way I'll have any time 4 my music. What would I be sacrificing?

Music makes me unbelievably happy ... but it just doesn't pay the bills. And if I'm honest with myself, what have I even done in the last 6 months?

I'm going 2 B 30 this year. It's high time I either take a shit or get off the pot, so to speak. If I'm going to really and truly pursue a career in music, that should be all I do. I've said it time and time again ... yet I just don't or can't see any economic promise to taking that route. A 30 year old black gay man making urban pop almost rock music has a chance of making millions of dollars ... but only a slim chance. It has a much greater chance of leaving me balls ass broke. Or, I could go this other route, work really hard for 5 years, invest right and have enough money to then work when I want 2, if I want 2 and do whatever I want 2. When I think about it, 5 years isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things. I've been at my current company for over 5 years now ... and what do I have to show for it? I'm still in debt, still struggling with my music and no early retirement plan in sight. So, basically, not a damn thing!

I think it is indeed time 2 get off the pot and be realistic about my future. It's just that it almost feels like I'd be burying a part of me ... even though I know that wouldn't be the case. I know that whatever I choose, I'll ALWAYS do music when I can, only if it's just for me. It's what makes me feel alive.

"Oh, I.. I..., I'm still alive!" - Pearl Jam, Alive

Things I've Learned (in the past 7days)

2006-03-21T10:46:00.000-05:00

1. Never make fun of a could-be-psychotic-serial-killer who can't stand the fact that he's in your office twice 2 fix your dinosaur copy machine WHILE he's still in the building ... not unless U want the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 going down in Middle River.

2. U must embrace chaos b4 U can conquer it. Fighting against it will only have the opposite effect and further chaos will ensue. It's very much like that quicksand pit in those old cheesy B-films. Hmmm, my life as a
B-film ... interesting.

3. I'm black. I'm gay. People will not like me because of one or the other ... or both. Or maybe it's just cuz I'm so damn good-looking. :-)

4. I should be giving back 10 percent to the universe. Lawd knows I ain't got no moolah, so perhaps it should be in the form of service or time donated or actually smiling at the homeless hobos who have the balls 2 ask me on a date while I'm sitting in my car at a stop light. Only in downtown Baltimore!

5. There are PLENTY of jobs out there ... I just don't want any of them.

6. Any choices I make in the next 3 months will have a PROFOUND impact on the rest of my life.

7. Money may not buy happiness, but it will sure as hell afford it!

8. In the words of Prince, I am Beautiful, Loved and Blessed.

"You've got 2 get yourself 2gether, U got stuck in a moment and U can't get out of it." - U2, Stuck in a Moment

A New Muse

2006-03-10T10:51:00.000-05:00

While finishing vocals on my last 2 songs last night in the studio, I made a comment that one day I'd have so much money that when I record I'll pay hot guys to come into the studio and be nude for inspiration. I was half joking but it might not be such a bad idea. It would definitely get my blood pumping, that's 4 sure. In fact, just thinking about it has my blood pumping. Sex in the studio. And then ... maybe I could make a documentary of it. Hey, I'm just saying!

Anyhoo, all vocals are done. Just a few more guitar tracks and then we're onto mixing. And then what? Still working on that ... in between finding a new job, working my marketing business, finding new digs, making major life choices and squeezing some time in for my beautiful bf, Mr. Adorable.

Hmmm, naked boys in the studio. It makes me smile. :-)

"The more I come 2 understand the touch of my hand." - Britney Spears, The Touch of My Hand

A Change is Gonna Come

2006-03-09T09:47:00.000-05:00

And no, I ain't talkin' bout that Leela James record. I mean change in my life. Yesterday my boss announced officially that he is leaving. This makes me sad. He's a cool dude and all but the reason this really makes me sad is that it means I have somehow got to move up my timetable. I don't think I can make it here until July with him gone. (Especially with the crazy red head getting crazier everyday. I'm thinking she either needs 2 b medicated or committed. But I digress!)

But if I leave earlier than planned, that also means I have 2 (cringe) find a new job. I don't know what 2 do. I don't make bad money, it's an easy job, but I feel like I'm wasting away. Or maybe I'm the crazy one here.

And do you know that my bank account had zero dollars in it this morning? That's right. ZERO! That's never happened to me before in the history of my life. So, um, yeah, change is mos def coming.

Add to all that, I now have 2 find a new place 2 live. Long story, but I have a couple of months 2 find some new digs.

Now that my life is completely unraveling, I'm wondering if this wouldn't be the prime time to pack up and get the hell out of Baltimore.

Only ... where in the world would I go?

"Cause the whole, world, loves it when you don't get down .(Bah bah-da, bah bah bah-da da)" - OutKast, The Whole World

Irritate Me, Please

2006-03-08T09:38:00.000-05:00

This morning on my way to my pay-the-bills-stuck-in-a-rut-of-a-daily-routine-dead-end-job, after listening 2 a few Prince songs 2 make up 4 the lack thereof last night (I watched my Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire DVD instead), I put in a tape in which it was said that sometimes people have 2 get irritated and fed up b4 they will acquire that necessary "GET OUT OF MY WAY cuz I'm making it" attitude they need. Well, Amen brother! I got it! So, now I'm not going 2 look at being "urrtated" as a bad thing, but as a motivational factor. As much as I've been urrtated lately, boy, I tell ya, somethin' big must be gon happen, I say!

Speaking of being "urrtated", the folks over at one of my fave websites After Elton R certainly urrtated (and with good reason) about Brokeback Mountain's Oscar loss. I read it daily (and I luv it) and while I mostly agree with everything they say, I just can't really get upset about an award. In the grand scheme of things awards don't really mean much. Plus, as they point out, Brokeback has won just about every other major movie award there is. It's broken barriers. It's got people talking. AND it's a brilliant and heartbreaking movie. Job well done. And yes, I still have vivid fantasies of being sandwiched naked in between Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger ... among other positions. But then again, I am a Deviant. hee hee

"I do believe I've been touched by an angel of loooo..ooo.uu..oo..uuuuve." - Celine Dion, A New Day

The Struggle 4 Success

2006-03-07T20:00:00.000-05:00

Today I had 1 of those days when all I wanna do is pour me a few glasses of Crown & Ginger (or better yet have a few Saturn Cocktails ... oh wait, or some French Martinis), light a few candles, play some Prince records and sing my little ass off. I wish I had a friend that could relate, I could invite over and we could just chill like that. Unfortunately, I don't. My bf doesn't think much of Prince or drinking 4 that matter, and it's no fun 2 wallow by oneself. Anyhoo, it's not really wallowing if it makes U feel better, right? See, that's just why I luv music the way I do.

The Business: I don't know what's going on but it seems like I have the biggest Diamond in the world and I can't even give it away, know what I mean? People cancel their commitments with me all the time, don't want to hear what I have 2 say, run from me, don't return my calls, it's like they'd rather stay in their little rut than learn about a way 2 live the kind of life they truly wanna live. I just wanna SHAKE em' like a holy roller sometimes! Meanwhile everyone else in the group I'm working with is seeing success which is WONDERFUL because I share and prosper in their success, too. But still, I'm left scratching my head sayin' "what the hell am I doing wrong here?" I felt a little rejected and dejected ... but then I got over it, cuz it's not me. It's certainly not the business. It IS the greatest opportunity I've ever seen, the greatest opportunity out there PERIOD, and I have 100 % belief that I WILL be extremely successful with it. It's the people I'm talking to. It's just like my previous post, I've got 2 surround myself with forward thinking, ambitious people. That's my problem. I'm like the producers of Crash ... they had this highly successful and profitable Oscar winning movie (we won't even get into that because Brokeback should have won, no doubt), but they had to hear NO and PASS how many times before Lions Gate gave em a shot? The same is true 4 anything really. Movies, ideas, music ... getting through all the unfounded no's, crashing through people's misconceptions and getting them 2 see the fucking DIAMOND that's staring them in the face. Which leads me to part 2 of this rant.

The Music - my music is also a diamond. Right now it's in a cave and I'm trying 2 mine it out, but damnit I need some help! Another book I was reading said surround yourself with mentors and have a dream team. So, I'm gonna work on that ... I've already started in fact. Positive things R happening. I still don't think I'm in the right place ... place meaning Baltimore. Where should I go, what should I do? oh expert lover let me look in2 your Crystal Ball (<-- Prince reference 4 the uninitiated). I really feel like 2 be working at my full potential I should be firing all cylinders at once, I should be acting, writing (novels and screenplays like I used to) and doing my music. BUT there are just not enough hours in the day right now. Speaking of which ...

I only have 141 days left. Still scared shitless and not a clue what I'm gonna do 4 money yet.

"Somebody pray 4 me!" - Destiny's Child, Through with Love

Nix the Six

2006-02-26T10:38:00.000-05:00

150 days til what I'm planning 2 be the last day that I work 4 somebody else. Yep. still scared shitless, but I'm making this journey.

I was reading a book and it suggested that if U want 2 change your life, change the company U keep. Evaluate where U R now and how it's different from where U want 2 go. It then said 2 list the six people U spend the majority of your time with. The six people U spend most of your time with should represent the lifestyle/values/quality of life you are on the journey to attaining. If they are not, you should change them.

So, I made my list of six. Yep, all broke like me! The most glaring thing I noticed is who occupied the #1 slot. Not my bf, not my mom, not any of my best friends (in fact my best friends didn't even make the list!). Nope. The #1 slot is occupied by that crazy red-head I work with. My lovely and sometimes slightly disturbed co-worker. 8 hours a day, every day, five days a week. She's married with kids, very happy where she is, not looking 2 change anything and we truly couldn't be more different. Lawd hamercy. That has GOT 2 change and WILL in exactly 150 days.

Who will she be replaced with? I don't know, but according to my criteria it should be someone who's either:

1. Wealthy (making over six figures a year at least)
2. Working their passion full time (preferably music/acting/writing)
3. Someone adventurous who seeks more knowledge
4. Upwardly mobile and embraces new ideas
5. Well connected socially

I must fill my inner circle, or should I say my inner rings, with people who personify these traits. Tori, AC, 2 bad U guys live so far away cuz I would be hanging with U ALL THE TIME! You'd probably get sick of seeing my ass!

It's all good though. I'm so excited right now. I'm at the crossroads of major positive changes in my life and it's a great place 2 b.

"I feel good like I knew that I would, now!" - James Brown, I Feel Good

Betsy Got the Shakes

2006-02-24T12:18:00.000-05:00

So, I get in the car this morning 2 come 2 work, smile on my face because it's the start of a beautiful new day, I put the car in reverse, and lo and behold, my Betsy gets the shakes. My Betsy shook me all the way to the auto shop. I figure I needed a tune up anyway, right?

Well, it was a spark plug. It got burned. Wires and all. I figure ok, that doesn't sound too bad ... until he tells me how much it will cost. FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!! That's $500 Benjamins, baby! Now, I know I'm a millionaire and I'm abundant with wealth and all, but the fact is, I don't actually have that million dollars I've claimed from the Universe yet, and my ass is pretty broke, borderline red line here. Thank God 4 credit cards. What's another $500 debt, right?

Well, I have 2 look on the bright side ... it could have been worse. At least I don't have to buy another car!

"In the Ferrari, Jaguar, switching 4 lanes with the top down screamin' out, money ain't a thang." - Jay-Z/Jermaine Dupri, Money Ain't a Thang

But What About Paris?

2006-02-23T10:13:00.000-05:00

So, when making my 90 day pledge yesterday I completely forgot that I was planning a trip to Paris this June. Obviously I can't quit my job before I go 2 Paris ... how am I supposed to pay for it with no job?? So my NEW pledge is to quit on July 31, 2006.

Now that's completely doable ... though I'm not sure how many days that is.

I can breathe a bit now ... I was getting myself a lil' bit worried there!

"Won't U take me 2 ... Funkytown?!" - Lipps (I think)

My 90 Day Pledge

2006-02-22T15:13:00.000-05:00

Damn. U know it's bad when even your boss says, "I can't believe you're still here." That's what my boss said to me today. He expected me to quit ages ago because even he knows I'm not living up to my potential in life. I'm so much better than this ... job. The only reason I've stayed is complacency - this job is easy, it's safe, I make decent money, have no job related stress and I know that when I do leave that I don't want to have to work another J-O-B making somebody else money. I want to work for myself.

I read somewhere once though that if making a change scares U, U should do it because it's good 4 U ... or some bullish like that.

Two or three years ago I told a co-worker "if I'm still here by the time I turn 30, shoot me in the head!" Well, folks, October ain't that far off! And I don't want 2 get shot, so, it's time I made some changes.

My business is growing well, but I won't be able to earn a livable income from it for at least another year, more than likely another year and a half, but I won't let that stop me. I'm a survivor and it's time that I prove it.

Unfortunately, my music may have to suffer short term while I make these changes, but everything that I do I have the ultimate goal of having the time and financial freedom to truly pursue my art(s) at the root of it.

So, here's my pledge to myself - come Hell or high water, in exactly 90 days, that's May 24, 2006, I will resign from my job. I've been here for over five years now when it was only supposed to be temporary. The time has come to move on.

I'm scared shitless. And like some bozo said, perhaps that's a good thing.

"For 90 days and 90 nights I'll sweat until I find the light." - Saturn, Heat Wave

A Shitty Day

2006-02-22T10:49:00.000-05:00

It must have been a bad omen when my boss's dog squatted behind my chair in the office this morning and erupted into a loud explosion of diarrhea all over the carpet. I should have known then that I would have a shitty day.

I can't quite put my finger on it except 2 say that I'm not quite myself today. Customers are bugging the shit out of me, I'm in a general state of annoyance, it's snowing outside all over my freshly cleaned car, I really don't want to be here at my job (newsflash!), but there's just an extra ... oh, I don't know ... air of stench about the place today. What could it be?

Maybe I need 2 get laid. I'm calling the bf and hopefully I can meet him after I get off of work and he can help turn my frown upside down ... or hell, even just turn me upside down. That might work, too.

I'm wearing new clothes today. I should be happy. Cue the music, DJ.

"It's just one of 'dem days when I wanna be all alone." - Monica, One of Them Days

A Dumb Ass Move

2006-02-21T10:15:00.000-05:00

U know, I usually always refrain from talking about anything political on this blog, but I couldn't help myself this time. So Bush thinks it's a good idea to hand over 6 U.S. Ports, including the one here in Baltimore, to the United Arab Emmirates who have financial links to the hijackers in 9/11. What the f*ck?? I mean, really, do I need 2 say anymore than that?

Thank God people are rallying against this idiotic move. The Bush Administration is defending its actions saying that we still "need to have a robust global trading economy" and that they have secret security "protocols" in place. I was baffled when our clever Prez got re-elected but this sounds like the all time stupidest idea he's had yet.

I hope they can put a stop to it.

"Run 2 the zoo but don't feed guerillas who wanna blow up the world." - Prince, Ronnie Talk 2 Russia

Hanging with the Golden Girls

2006-02-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

Well, not really, but I am jetting off to Miami this morning for a week. I have so been looking 4ward 2 this trip, chillin' in the sun with a dacquiri, reflecting, LOL.

I closed another chapter in my life last night when "Six Degrees" closed. I think of how happenstance it was that I even saw the audition notice. Isn't it wonderful when good unexpected things occur in life?

Well, here's to more of the same in Miami.

Back in 7 days!

"Here we go again, this self analysis. Have another glass and pour it in a ... forget this! The band is playing at the club tonight and they're bound 2 groove." - Prince, The Holy River

More Music, More Drama

2006-02-01T21:32:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's already February ... what the hell happened to January? I've been so super busy this month I barely had time to register that a month has passed. I guess my lack of entries in my lil' blog here goes to prove just how busy I've been. I've been thoroughly neglectful of my dutiful readers ... all 3 of U (but BL I see you 4 days a week and U get ALL the scoop, not just the little bit I write about here ;-) )

So, just 2 quickly touch bases:

1. Six Degrees closes this weekend, only 2 shows left. I'm really going to miss this role and this show. This role is by far my favorite and I believe I gave the best acting performance of my life to date during the show last Saturday. I can't explain it except to say that I actually wore Paul's skin. Little nuances and details and new emotions appeared that I had nothing to do with, it just came from actually being the character instead of acting the character. For once I got out of my head and just let my gut and my soul do all the work. It was fascinating 4 me. I hope I can get to that place again.

2. I went to the studio on Monday night for the first time in what seems like a long time but what's only actually been since November. The song I worked on was "Adonis" ... it's from that pop/rock EP I've been slowly putting together since like last March or some bullish like that. All I have to say is ... wow. It sounds great. Rarely am I this happy at this point in the process of a song. I mean it's not even mixed yet. Really the only thing left is the guitar solo in the bridge and the mixing. I can only hope that the other four songs turn out this good! I should finally be finsihed with this EP in March. We're getting close. Don't know when I'll release it though. I have something up my sleeve, still working it all out.

3. Pat called me the other day and suggested I send a package to the new Sony "gay" label Music with a Twist. I'd heard of this but never thought to send them anything because ... well, I've never sent a major label anything. I mean, what's the point? Will they actually open it anyway, much less listen to it? Even if they did and liked it, what then? You have to be SO careful when dealing with record labels. Way too many artists have been screwed from not understanding the fine print. Anyhoo, I thought it rather odd that he would call out of the blue and suggest this. He's been in the business a long time and has always said I had major label potential and SHOULD be knocking on their door, so I took this as sign. 1 hour of internet searching, 6 phone calls and 2 messages later and I still don't have an address or contact to send a package to. So, ok, maybe it wasn't a sign. LOL. It's all good. I know my time will come.

4. I made the startling realization the other day that I've written no new songs since I met my boyfriend. I've had ideas, but no full fledged songs. Granted I've alreayd written hundreds so I'm not too concerned about that, I just wonder to myself if it's easier for me to create when I'm sad, lonely and heartbroken than it is when I'm happy? I don't think that's true at all, but if it were true I'd gladly never write another song! 5 months and we're going strong! I believe 4 the first time in my life I'll actually have someone to be with on Valentines! Hmmm, maybe I could write a song about that!

"Could b an organ donor the way I give up my heart ..." - Outkast, Happy Valentine's Day

A Little Piece of Family History

2006-01-22T19:55:00.000-05:00

I found something out about my family this morning that I never knew. My mom (and a WHOLE bunch of other folk) went to visit some land in VA that was left to them by their great grandparents. She told me she discovered while they were down there that her great grandparents, my great great grands, were full blood Indian. I had no idea I was mixed with Native American that close back. I thought it was back much further than that. I used to always think as a child that my grandmother looked like an Indian. She had the prettiest, longest, silkiest black hair I'd ever seen ... until she got sick with cancer that is.

It's very interesting to me knowing where U come from. For instance, I know that on my dad's side of the family, somewhere back along the way I come from Irish descent. I don't quite know where all that comes into play though. I just remember being a kid thinking that my grandfather was white. I didn't understand back then that you could be lightskinned and STILL be black. Funny the way a kid's mind works.

Well, nothing too monumental here, we're all muts in this country pretty much, but I find it extremely interesting nonetheless.

"U might say 'what U mad about?' But U stil got your family name!" - Prince, Family Name

GAYS! GAYS! GAYS! EVERYWHERE!

2006-01-17T12:00:00.000-05:00

Did you see all the homos (or people who pretended to be homos to attract recognition and rave reviews) last night at the Golden Globes? It was utter fabulousness. The gut wrenching Bareback Mountain wrang up four trophies! And even though the dreamy Heath Ledger (who looked delicous enough to lick, savor and swallow ... a few times) didn't win for best actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman won for playing a truly famous gay, Truman Capote. And then there was Felicity Huffman who won for playing a transgendered person! Her speech was very cool. I tell ya, the wingnuts and Parental Adivsory Council must have been up in arms. All this homo propaganda right there on national television! Then all these new homo shows like Book of Daniel and Crumbs! It's surely end times!

And then there was the cast of Will & Grace, my favorite sit-com ever, appearing for the last time together. So sad.

My favorite moment, hands down, was S. Epatha Merckerson's win for Lackawanna Blues. So richly deserved. What an inspiration she is.

And as if movies and TV weren't enough, now Sony is making a gay music label and there's a gay radio station too called "Radio with a Twist." (how creative) There shouldn't be too much to worry about there, because like LOGO they won't really play gay artists, just artists who gay people like, like Madonna. I mean sure Elton or Melissa will show up to, but come on, do they really need the extra exposure? I love the way they define it as "gay friendly artists." I wanna know who the fag-hating artists are. They should get a radio station too.

I read somewhere that LOGO was looking for additional videos from Indies to air on their programming. I feel special that my video was deemed to raw and raunchy for the likes of the children-having-sex advocating MTV owned channel LOGO. Really special.

If I sound bitter, I apologize cuz I'm not at all. Just the opposite. I think what's been happening for homos this last decade is wonderful and promising. I remember a time when I would have rather died than have anybody know I was gay cuz it was that scary to me ... and that wasn't that long ago folks. So, we've come A HELLUVA long way in a few short years. I just find things really hilariously amusing sometimes.

And oh yeah, I wonder what it would be like to be Brangelina's offspring. Heaven or Hell? Anyone?

"I was given a special gift, some might call it a curse." - Justin Tranter, Gag Reflex

Opening Success

2006-01-16T08:30:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was opening weekend for "Six Degrees of Separation", the play that I've been working on since November. All that tedious hard work finally paid off as audiences really responded to us. I absolutely love this show and LOVE playing this character, which is why I even auditioned for it in the first place. You have to really love something to give all the time and energy something like this requires for free ... kind of like my burgeoning music career!

They wrote an article in the local paper before we opened and guess what ... they spelled my name wrong. Not only is it wrong in the paper, but it's wrong in the program AND on my bio picture they have hanging in the theatre. Why couldn't they have just put SATURN like I requested? I guess my director thought I was being too much of a diva to have the name SATURN in the program by itself. Well, it takes one 2 know one!

"Hey, look me over! Tell me do U like what U see?" - Prince, Baby, I'm a Star

The Co$t of Chasing Your Dream

2006-01-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

I want 2 start off this post by saying that I'm not sharing this private information to be negative or doubtful of my capabilities in anyway. I'm all about positive, forward thinking, but in order to go forward we must know where we've been and learn from our mistakes, right? Plus, I've been feeling all reflective lately, not sure why.

In any case, I'm a meticulous record keeper when it comes to money ... probably because it's in such short supply for me. So, the other night I got the bright (or maybe not so bright) idea to figure exactly what SJG Entertainment has cost me financially since I started it in August 2001 with the very first recordings of 2 songs off of "The Virgin Poet". I also wanted to see how much I've made and to compare the two numbers. Here's the data I came up with in summary:

Income: $2664
Recording & Duplication Costs: $8605
Total Music Related Expenses including recording & duplication: $18068

Now, for a list of things I learned from studying these illuminating numbers:

1. SJG Entertainment thus far has not been the wisest investment. (No shit, right?)

2. I could have a brand new car or be debt free AND have money to spare had I not went into music.

3. I made more money with my music in 2005 than I did in 2002, 2003 and 2004 COMBINED. This leads me to believe that I'm finally just beginning to do some things right.

4. Given that half my music income from 2005 came from live performances and given that I only had 3 performances in 2005 (well ... 4, but we won't count the debacle that was my April date at the Royal), I think it stands to reason that I need to focus more of my attention on getting gigs. WAY more gigs!

5. I apparently have more masturbatory impulses than I care to admit.

6. With the money I've spent on recording and distribution, I could have just about paid for my own home - made studio.

7. This music dream is indeed costly, however, I wouldn't trade the experiences, the knowledge or the journey that I've had for the past four years for the money I've spent so far - all 18 grand of it. In short, it's been worth it to me because I AM chasing my dream and I know that if I am persistent, diligent and smart about the way I approach the next few years, it will eventually pay off ... perhaps not in money, but I'm beginning to learn that money is far from being the most important of things.

"Maybe U get what U wanted, maybe U stumble upon it, everything U've ever wanted in a permanent state." - Coldplay, White Shadows

Gut Instinct

2006-01-09T14:33:00.000-05:00

Something told me to leave my cell phone in my car when I went to work out at the gym today. But did I listen? Of course not. Had I known some idiot muthafucka would cut my lock, go through my shit and steal from me, of course, I would have left my phone in my car. Thankfully, my wallet was not in there as that is, no doubt, what they were after. Unluckily, though, I have no insurance on my cell phone which means I have to buy a brand new one and that bitch is way more expensive that any money I would have kept in my wallet.

Ah well, it could be worse. My lesson is twofold ... listen to that little voice in your head and always ALWAYS have insurance on your cell phone!

"Bury him face down and let the muthafucka kiss ass, ok?" - Prince, Face Down

Art or Porn?

2006-01-05T23:55:00.000-05:00

I got this movie from Netflix today called "9 Songs". Now, I expected something controversial, that's why I got it. I'd heard and read all about how the 2 actors who made this film actually had sex, no faking it. I read it was released with an NC-17. I was not prepared for what I got. A racy film? Explicit romance set to music? A deep and meaningful artistic journey? Bullfuckingshit. What I got was pure PORN! They showed it ALL. I mean come on, all it is one sex scene after the other with some boring ass songs thrown in between. I read there was no script. Well, shit, when all you're gonna do is show fucking, sucking, pussy, dick, oral sex, cum shots, penetration and S&M, who needs a fucking script?

Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the sex. Twice actually. I don't know why, but there is something intrinsically more erotic and exciting to me watching p0rnographic sex in what's touted as a "real" movie than actually just watching porn. But therein lies the rub (pun intended) - what makes this art and not porn? In my book, there is no distinction. Take away the sex and all you're left with is some lame ass concert footage. We're supposed to accept this as a "film" just because it has Michael Winterbottom's name on it? Fuck that. Chi Chi La Rue is more brilliant. At least with her you get gang bangs, ass licking and hot guys. And it doesn't tout itself as being something it's not.

I'm pretty fucking liberal, but come on. The line must be drawn somewhere. This SHOULD have been rated X and should not have been released into theatres.

Ok, I'm off to go watch her suck his cock and watch him shoot hot jizz all over himself one more time, ponder the meaning of it all, and then I'm going to bed.

"What am I supposed 2 do with it? It don't matter, just don't bite it!" - N.W.A., She Swallowed It

Mrs. Wickersham's Second Grade Class

2005-12-28T11:34:00.000-05:00

My grandfather sent me this old picture in the mail yesterday. I wish I could say it brought back memories, but other than remembering that I was in Mrs. Wickersham's second grade class at GE Porter Elementary in Mesquite, TX, I can't remember a damn thing. Not a classmate. Not a lesson. Not the lunchroom. Not a playmate. Nada. Zilch. Hmmm. What would Freud have 2 say?

Can U locate the future deviant supastar? (like it's really that hard! I'm already rocking the tie!)

"Reflections of the way life used 2 B." - Diana Ross, Reflections

My Christmas in Exactly 100 Words

2005-12-28T10:59:00.000-05:00

FABULOUS! Gave a lot, got a lot. Coughed up a lung from crying over Brokeback Mountain. Mixed the wrong drinks and filled a trashcan with vomit. Was dazzled by “Hairspray”. Alcoholic aunt cried again cuz she liked someone else’s gifts better. Took ten minutes just to say the damn grace at dinner. Spent Xmas with my boyfriend and his beautiful family (including his uberhot gay cousin! Deviant thoughts anyone?) Took Mom’s gift back … was still too small around the middle. Met friends for drinks. Kissed and cuddled with my gorgeous man. What a lovely way to end a vacation.

"All I want 4 Christmas is U." - Mariah Carey, All I Want 4 Christmas

Dirty Minds at Work

2005-12-21T12:00:00.000-05:00

Random snippets of conversations in my office this morning:

"... the Cable Guy came by. He didn't fix my cable, but I gave him some." (cookies that is).

" ... it comes with a hole and U can stick something long up in there." (the grill that is).

We have Xmas music playing and The Little Drummerboy comes on. Everyone automatically looks at me becuz they think I'm gonna make some crude joke. I told them I was not ALWAYS in the gutter. Then I rememinded them what a hit this song is in the Catholic Church.

"In my daddy's car it's U I really wanna drive!" - Prince, Dirty Mind

The Queen is Back

2005-12-21T11:21:00.000-05:00

MJB is back! My girl put her foot all up in this new CD, The Breakthrough. After just one listen, I have 2 rank right up there with My Life, which has always been my favorite album of hers. She is in top form, her voice has NEVER sounded better, and she even does a cover/duet of one of my favorite songs from U2 - One. I will definitely be bumping this shit 4 a while.

"Life can be only what U make it." - Mary J. Blige, My Life

Brand Spanking New Stuff

2005-12-16T11:54:00.000-05:00

New things abound this week in Saturn's world.

First, thanks to my good friend BL and Jenny @ It's All Greek To Me my blog has a new look. U like?

Second, Prince is back! FINALLY! After making us wait for 2 years, which is really atypical for him, he signed a deal with Universal (I think it's Universal) to release his next album "3121" early next year. AND he even hit us with a new song AND a new video directed by Salma Hayek. It's called "Te Amo Corazon" and U can stream the single and watch the video right here. It's not at all what I would have expected from him as a single, but that's one of the reasons I love Prince because U just never know what 2 expect.

And finally, I got inspired last night after watching Eating Out. It was a ridiculous movie, but I got to see 2 hot boy dicks. (Yes, I'm shallow enough 2 sit through a stupid mediocre movie just 2 see some dick.) God, how I LOVE seeing a beautiful man's naked body, the dick, the groin, the abs, the chest, the ass. It's always awe inspiring. I am really SO fucking gay! (right, Soce?)

Anyhoo, I got an idea for a song about idoltry of the male body and I sat down at my keyboard for the first time in a long time and, though that particular song never materialized, I started playing back some tunes, well not really tunes, but ideas, that I had chunked out over the past couple of months. See, what happens is I get an idea for a song or a melody in my head and before I can forget it I either sing it into my voicemail or if I'm home, lay it on the keyboard so I can remember and come back to it later. Well, I had all these "ideas" that I had stored in my keyboard and for some reason last night I was filled with a sudden surge of inspiration and songs just began to evolve. I LOVE when that happens. I feel so creative right now. I really wish I had my own studio or the $money$ to access a studio and just hide myself away for 2 weeks and do nothing but create, kinda like Prince did when he wrote and recorded the entire soundtrack for Batman in 2 weeks.

In any case, I've been working on ways I'm going to come out next year with new music. I know I've been in the studio working on a pop/rock EP, but I don't even know at this point whether or not I will release that ... at least not yet. Just know that I'm working on something. Wait 4 it. Like a porn star shooting his money shot, it's cumming!

"Did U hear about the new pill? It feels like sex. It's guaranteed 2 thrill with no ill side effects." - Prince, New World

The Oreo Complex

2005-12-14T13:12:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed that my blog is curiously empty of any posts about my gorgeous boyfriend. Well, that's because I've decided to keep all that stuff private, but in this case I'll make an exception because it doesn't really deal with anything personal at all.

If you didn't know, my bf is white. Some who just don't know any better have accused of me of only liking white guys and while this is most certainly NOT true, (I'm attracted to every color in the rainbow), I do tend to have a wee bit of sexual weakness for a little cream in my coffee, if U will.

Anyhoo, one day I was joking around and called my bf my "lil' vanilla wafer." And he, in turn, called me his "little Oreo cookie." He meant this endearingly, of course, but I had to inform him on exactly why it was a MAJOR insult for a black guy to be called an Oreo. He had no idea.

Fast forward a few days later and I'm sitting at this function clowning around with the guy (who is also black, by the way) who is directing me in Six Degrees of Separation. For the most part of the show, my character is pretending to be from a preppy boarding school in Switzerland, when in actualilty he's a con and a hustler straight off the streets. 4 those of U who know me, U know there is nothing "street" about me. So, my director leans over and says "it's so hard 4 U 2 act black, isn't it?"

And hereby we finally get to the point of this post. In answer to this ridiculous question if by "black" he meant "thug", the answer is yes. However, I'm an actor, it's my job to take on personas that are not my own and I have my ways of finding the characters that I need to portray and embodying them. But it really gets under my fucking skin that SO many people, black people included, equate being "black" to being "street". And if you aren't "street" then you're called an Oreo because you're trying to be "white"??
The obvious problems with all of these statements are clear, so I won't skirt the surface. What I want to know is this: why does our society, after all these strides we've made, generally equate white with being educated, having money, living in Suburbia, speaking English while they equate black with being uneducated, being on welfare, living in da hood listening to rap music and speaking Ebonics? This is almost as mind boggling as people believing Bush started a war with Iraq cuz he thought they had weapons of mass destruction. But I digress.

And it REALLY gets me to have people who are black say stupid shit like "Oh, he acts white" or "oh, he thinks he's white" because it only reinforces all of this negative crap we're supposed to believe about ourselves. I think black people in general have a major identity crisis . Think about it. We're brought over to this country in the most inhumane ways, forced to breed with each other, sometimes even incestually, our women were raped, half of us don't really even know where we come from, then after we were freed from slavery (by a man History reveres as being against slavery which isn't even true) we found ourselves in a society where we're still "enslaved" because we were never allowed an education in the first place and even when we got educated we lived in a country that, for the most part, hated us and thought of us and treated us like dogs. Even dogs were more than 3/5 human, right? So, for the most part, we have industrial jobs in the north and agricultural jobs in the south. It's all blue collar. There's no such thing as inheriting wealth, inheriting from who? Then we're forced to be segregated into our own communities and there was a certain culture that developed out of that. I mean, come on, we were poor. And living in a society where NOTHING is equal, especially not the opportunity, how are you supposed to break that cycle? This engenders a continuing problem. And then, FINALLY, the civil rights movement happened. We got the right to use bathrooms at gas stations. We got the right to sit on the bus anywhere we pleased. The black men who fought for this country finally got the the right to be treated with the same respect and dignity that the white soldiers had. Most importantly, we got the OPPORTUNITY to finally break the chain of events that had hampered our entire culture since we were first brought over here. Sure, everything was FAR from equal, but for the first time, there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

So, it really gets to me that after ALL so many of our predecessors went through in this country to ensure we had the kind of freedom we are enjoying today, that so many peoples' minds are still so closed and mentally constipated. For a black person to say to me "you're an oreo because you talk or act white" simply because I went to school, strive for excellence and DON'T have a "street" bone in my body is truly sad. And for a white person to say the same thing to me is truly racist. And it's happened both ways.

I own my blackness. I own where I come from just as much as I own where I'm going. I own my culture. And it is definitely a different "culture" than someone who is white, or latin, or anything else, and it has NOTHING to do with speaking ebonics or eating fried chicken or being a pimp. I also own my homosexuality. And while many black people can't and won't understand, that is as much a part of me as the color of my skin.

So, I don't know where I'm rambling to, I just wanted to make the statement that my bf should be able to call me an Oreo cookie because it's cute without it alluding to all of this ... nonsense.

"Come on talk 2 me so we can see what's goin' on." - Marvin Gaye, What's Goin' On

I'm a Natural Blonde

2005-12-09T12:14:00.000-05:00

I officially had my big BLONDE moment of 2005 this morning. We had a snow storm last night. My car is still in the shop from my accident, so for the past two weeks I've been driving a rental - a red Chevy Cobalt. (Hey, I'm only getting $20 a day coverage!) Anyhoo, I get on my little hat, my little mittens and my big boots, grab a shovel and a broom and go tread through the snow to shovel out my car so I can go to work. I start by using the broom to sweep the snow off the car. As I'm cleaning off the car, I think to myself, "wow, I don't remember my car having a sunroof!"

So, after I clear off the car, I think it would be a good idea to start it up and let it run while I shovel the snow from around the car. One hitch ... I can't get the key all the way in to unlock the door. Hmmm, I think, it must be frozen. I'll have to let it thaw some. So, I commence to shovel the snow from around the car. It's at this point that someone hollers at me from their bedroom window, "What are you doing? That's not your car! Your car is parked 3 cars up the road!" And sure enough ...

You would've thunk the sunroof or maybe even the key not opening the door would have gave it away, right?

Lawd hamercy. And I'm supposed to be intelligent!

"Always the dreamer, always the poet ... always the one who melts with the snow." - Saturn, The Virgin Poet

So I Don't Suck After All

2005-12-01T16:27:00.000-05:00

I always thought my online sales sucked pretty bad, but as it turns at, when comparing apples to apples, I'm pretty average:

"This group has placement on the front page [of MySpace.com], alongside Madonna and the Roots, for a solid week.

number of times their music was played: around 20,000
number of MySpace friend requests: 1200
number of mailing list signups: over 100
number of CDs sold: ZERO
That sucks...
That's beyond sucking... I could get better results from spending 10 minutes in a nursing home full of deaf people with a fixed income." - David Hooper, IndieMusician.com

I've always wondered what it would be like to be one of those people on MySpace Music who have like 20000 friends, a decked out page and hundreds of comments a day. I thought for sure they must sell like at least ten cds a day just from MySpace, but maybe, after reading this, I'm wrong?

Well, bottom line, alls I know is I ain't sold shit on MySpace yet, LOL. I did get some cool people to a couple of my shows a few months ago though, so hey, I must be ABOVE average!

"How high R the stakes? How much fortune can U make?" - Madonna, How High

Thankful

2005-11-29T10:40:00.000-05:00

I'm thankful 2 be alive. Coming home from South Carolina on Saturday we began to hear a noise as we drove. It kept getting louder and louder and louder until we were forced to pull over. We pulled into a gas station and checked the engine, the tires, everything ... and could find nothing. We got back on the road and still, the noise persisted. We got off at the next exit somewhere near Richmond and found a Wal-Mart. After waiting two hours, they told us they could not do anything because they did not want to be held liable. Apparently, I had been driving around with only three lugnuts on my front driver side tire. One was missing, and not just the nut but the entire stem! It could only have been GoodYear because I purchased these tires from them, they rotated them for me recently and I even stopped by GoodYear the day before I left just to make sure my tires were ok for a long trip. Needless to say I was more than just a little pissed. Obviously, they had done something or broke something and never told me. A nut and stem doesn't just miraculously come off of a car out of the clear blue! So, the guy at Walmart looked under the car to make sure everything was ok and that "the sound" wasn't emanating from anything else. It wasn't. He then checked the tire to make sure it was secure and safe for us to make it home. He said it was. I even checked with my Grandfather to make sure it was safe to travel with a tire having only 3 nuts. He said it was. But still, the sound kept getting louder and louder. My mom was not comfortable driving ... I should have listened to her. But what options did we have? We were in the middle of nowhere, a good 200 miles from home still. Anything would have been closed and the next day was Sunday when no kind of auto store was opened anyway. We could make it. We were safe. Wrong!

We made it all the way to Alexandria, VA, right outside of Washington, DC. We were in the middle lane on 495 when POP! All the nuts flew off the tire and the car jerked down. My mom screamed and skidded to a halt. Only God could have stopped my car like that. We skidded to a complete stop right in the middle of our lane. Hazards went on. Meanwhile we have an army of trucks and cars coming full speed ahead behind us. They all honked and swerved and we were helpless to do anything but sit there and pray to God that nobody hit us as they swerved all around us going 70 - 80 miles an hour. Suddenly, BOOM! My mirror went flying off as a car skidded by, his windshield cracked. I don't think I've ever been so scared. Not just for me, but my mom, my sister and my sister's boyfriend were all in the car. Eventually people in our lane began to slow down until eventually they stopped and merged the best they could into the speeding traffic around us. We had called 911 but the cops were nowhere to be found. Thankfully, a tow truck happened to be driving by and they got us off the road where the man who had hit us was waiting.

Boy, were we spared. All the tow truck guy had to do was merely touch the tire with his finger and it flew off! Right in the left hand lane. A car almost had a collision trying to avoid it! If we would have skidded sideways or been hit, there would have been a MAJOR pile up on 495 that night. There would have been casualties for sure. And even if we hadn't been killed, we would have all probably been seriously injured.

Words can not explain just how blessed I feel right now. The thing that has always scared me most is death ... well, not the act of dying, but fear of what lays on the other side. All my life all I've ever heard is that I'm going to Hell. I'm going to burn in a fiery lake for all eternity. Simply because I like boys. Well, and I cuss. And drink. And like my secular entertainment. And I don't have the holy ghost. And yeah, I'm a bit of a freak ... or what some might term a deviant! Now that I'm grown and living my own life and am HAPPY, I try not to believe that, but I swear, it's like you're brainwashed as a kid. Tell yourself you don't believe it all you want, but that fear is still there and I don't know how to shake it. I do know that I would like to find out who God is for myself and not what some church or some religion says God is. I want to have that personal relationship cuz Lord knows I have so many questions about myself, about my life, about my purpose. I just have no idea how or where to begin. But I thank God that I'm still here. I love my life and I wanna keep living it til I'm old and white haired and my body just can't hold me anymore. Like my Great Grandmother who we had just visited in South Carolina. She is almost 95 and she's absolutely radiant. That's how I want to be.

Life is so precious. It's so easy to caught up in the day to day stuff we must do to keep the food on our table, but I'm really striving to change the quality of my life. There's so much more to be seen, to be experienced then the rut that many of us settle for. This Thanksgiving, my family truly has something to be grateful for!

"Precious and fragile things need special handling." - Depeche Mode, Precious

2 the Boonies

2005-11-22T21:58:00.000-05:00

Time to close shop for a few days as I head south 4 Thanksgiving. I'll be out in the middle of nowhere deep in the heart of South Carolina. Plantations, rebel flags and lynching rope ... I always pass these things on my journey through this lovely state. I tell ya, if I wasn't for my great grandmother living there (who is now 94), I'd NEVER go to South Carolina for any reason except to pass through it on my way to someplace better like Miami or Atlanta. That said, at least it'll be nice to clear my mind cuz I'm sure they'll be very little to do down there and I'll probably be well out of the reach of cell phone towers.

SO, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FRIENDS!! MAY YOUR TURKEY GET STUFFED!

"Thank U, disillusionment!" - Alanis Morrisette, Thank U

Finding Paul

2005-11-22T15:48:00.000-05:00

Who's Paul? That is a damned good question and that's exactly what I'm trying 2 find out. As if I weren't busy enough, I've decided to tackle the most time intensive thing I could ... a play. Yes, another one. Yes, I know that it will take more time away from my music and time away from me building my business, but this isn't just any play and this isn't just any role. It's one of my favorite plays, Six Degrees of Separation by John Guare. Some of you may remember the movie version they made of it back in the early 90s. This is easily one of the most difficult, complex and intriguing roles I have ever encountered. That's why I'm so excited!

So, who is this guy? So, he's a con who pretended to be the son of Sidney Poitier. I know he likes "da boys". I can definitely relate to that. I know he's lonely. Ambitious. Creative. He has many qualities that I have and that I like, but at the same time he does some truly despicable things.

Well, I'm not going 2 bore U with my thesis on this character. Just wanted 2 let U know what I'm up 2. I know it's been quiet here lately, but life is happening all around me all the time, u know?

By the way, saw the new Harry Potter. Loved it. Of course. Will see it many many many more times.

"You'll be running away from what U don't understand." - U2, Mysterious Ways

U Wanna Know Me?

2005-11-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

This comes courtesy of my divalicous maestro friend Tori Fixx:

Okay ask me privately or publically and I shall answer. I got this survey from a friend and i'm trying it out. Body: YOU CAN ASK ME SIX QUESTIONS:: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. __________________________________________________ No matter how random, revealing, rude, or pointless __________________________________________________ I promise to answer them 100% truthfully __________________________________________________ All questions are COMPLETELY confidential - send to my inbox __________________________________________________ [[[Repost this to see what others ask you...]]] __________________________________________________ IF YOU DONT THEN YOU'RE SCARED OF WHAT PEOPLE MAY ASK

So, go 4 it! I have nothing to hide. (Yeah, right!)

"Something's coming over me ... my baby's got a secret." - Madonna, Secret

Trashy "ART"

2005-11-10T08:52:00.000-05:00

Well, after weeks of following up I finally got the word from LOGO and it's a NO GO on my VIDEO. They were super nice though and told me there were 2 reasons for their decision.

1. The video was too raw.

2. The video was too sexual.

Raw, yes, I get that. I shot it on a zero budget with volunteers, I mean it's not typical million dollar MTV fare ... but too sexual?? Is it because I say "penetrate me?" It's GAY MTV!! Have U seen the smut that's on regular MTV and MY little video is deemed too raunchy? I thought the idea of a gay cable channel was to be more progressive, not uptight. I mean, even MSN streamed my video 4 a month.

Anyhither, it's neither here nor there. The video can still be found, thankfully, on outofthecloset.tv. Just look on the left hand menu bar, click MUSIC and then scroll down. I'm mid-page ... U can't miss me.

Then U tell me if U think it's too raunchy. Personally, I thought it was all rather pg-rated, just more suggestive really than anything.

"I'll be your masterpiece cuz U make me feel like I can conquer anything." - Saturn, Art

My Kind of Superhero

2005-11-07T14:14:00.000-05:00

This gives me an instant woody. Nuff said.

"I wanna l .. l .. l .. lick U from your head 2 your toes ..." - Ludicrous, What's Your Fantasy

The Drag Crack Whore of Baltimore

2005-11-01T15:11:00.000-05:00

At the VERY last minute I decided to join some friends out last night and celebrate Halloween after all. So, for the first time in ten years I dressed up. Quite literally I threw something together in ten minutes - a red crushed velvet shirt, purple pants, a hobo scarf, blue lips, rouge cheeks and eye shadow, a blonde wig, a red skull cap and some really wild red sunglasses. Some one asked me who I was supposed 2 be and I just said a homeless drag queen crack addict. But upon reflection I guess I could have said I was Whitney Houston. SHUT UP!

The boys were out in full force last night! It was more busy than it was Saturday night. Might have had something to do with the $1500 they were giving out for best costumes. I'm so glad I went out and shook my groove thang, it was loads of fun.

And near the end of the night before the usual sidewalk sale took place, I caught a couple of different hotties scoping me out for a little Halloween fun ... it made me feel so good 2 know that I already had somebody so much more beautiful and so much more special at home asleep across town. I wouldn't trade that 4 anything. Thank U, Mr. Adorable, 4 completely changing my life.

"I used 2 cry myself 2 sleep at night, but that was all before he came." - Whitney "Crack is Whack' Houston, All the Man I Need

I Want 2 Suck Your Blood!

2005-10-31T15:16:00.000-05:00

I haven't dressed up 4 Halloween in exactly ten years. The year was 1995 (in case U couldn't figure that out). I was a sophomore in college, freshly 19, had never had sex and had never been drunk. I figured that night I could at least pop one of those cherries, so I preceded to drink with reckless abandon ... on a mission 2 get my very first hangover.

I was at a costume party with the drama crew and I was still all about Vampires back then so I, of course, dressed up like a vampire a la Anne Rice. I had the long black wig like Antonio Banderas as Armand, I had the cool tuxedo vest and tie and eyeliner. I had never really drank anything besides dacquiris before and I remember that night they were serving up jungle juice. It had everclear, vodka, rum and some other shit thrown in there. I had ten cups. Yes, ten. I'm surprised I didn't end up in the ER that night.

Suffice it 2 say, I don't really remember much from that night. I remember finding it EXTREMELY difficult to take a piss with any kind of aim into the toilet bowl ... and I'm not sure but I think the bathroom door may have been open or someone could have been puking in the tub beside me ... it's a blur. And I found out the next day that I apparently went around trying to literally bite people on the neck. I don't know if I was successful or not, but since I was so deep in the closet, I'm SURE I must have attacked the boys. And they didn't know that I was gay? WTF?!

I remember being carried by Caleb and some other Texan or Kansas boy. Yum ... sometimes I do miss the South. They carried me to their SUV, stuffed me in the backseat and drove me to my dorm. I couldn't walk, mind U, so they had to escort me up 2 flights of stairs and knock on my door. Thank God my roommate was in bed and not out partying cuz I would have been sleeping in the hall that night.

Now my roommate, Ryan Abrey, was DEFUCKINGLICIOUS!! I had such a huge crush on him. Had I been the boy I am today back then, I would have surely had my way with him ... several times. Looking back he was so curious and I missed so many opps. I can't believe I made it all the way through college in the closet and sexless ... but I digress.

Ryan was blonde, blue eyed, flirty, piercing smile, all American boy next door freakazoid. He actually tried to do a threeway with me and one of my girlfriends. I was scared as shit she was gonna say yes ... thankfully she didn't.

So, Ryan takes me in ... I'm stumbling and can't stand up straight. Now, mind U, I was severely drunk, but these next two minutes I remember so vividly. He undressed me. Smirking. Talking gently. Guiding me. Confident, soft hands. He took off my tie and unbuttoned my shirt. He walked me over to the sink and somehow helped me take out my contacts because I made a BIG fucking deal out of it ... there was "no way I could sleep in my contacts blah blah stupid drunk blah!" Then he put me in bed ... said good night, turned off the light and climbed up to his bunk ... and I passed the fuck out.

I often wonder what happened to him. He disappeared from TCU the next year. I wonder if he would even recognize me today. I have changed SOOOO much in the last ten years. I wonder how he's changed and if I would recognize him.

Here it is, Halloween again, and I'm wondering if he's out there somewhere still wearing a mask.

"How sweet life would be if I could be free of the sinner in me." - Depeche Mode, The Sinner In Me

Get Wild!

2005-10-26T15:08:00.000-04:00

I was reading this post from my birthday exactly one year ago today and realized that I'm still in the midst of my "Saturn Return". Everything that it mentioned in that astrology reading is actually taking place in my life right now! How weird is that? I do feel like I'm just in the beginning stages of the next cycle of my life.

Anyhoo, I didn't go out last night, ended up staying at home and watching Jen Affleck kick serious ass on Alias Season 4 (which just came out on DVD. ) When did I become so f*cking lame??? I REALLY need 2 go out 2night and get drunk! Do something crazy 2 celebrate. I mean just because I'm not "in the single life" anymore doesn't mean I have 2 B a lame ass, right? I can still get wild without being wild ... right?

Well, my friend said there's some drag benefit show at Central tonight. Knowing him he'll keep buying me drinks til I'm plastered ... lucky for him it'll only take 3 drinks.

"Go shorty, it's ya birthday ..." - 50 fucking Cent, In Da Club

More Kibbles

2005-10-25T16:05:00.000-04:00

The Big Apple

Me and my man had a GLAM FAB time in New York last weekend. Saw the "Producers" which was funny as all get up, went to Splash where they had some filthy old school porn playing on every monitor, yum, and was there for my friend Soce's CD release party. U know he rocks it when the mostly hetero crowd was bobbing their heads to songs like "I Am So Gay" and "Sucking Dick". U go, boy!! Word is, though, I missed Madge. Rumor had it she would be at Roxy promoting Hung Up and she was. That's ok, though. Little does miss Madge know but she will work with me one day. Soon.

Last night of 28

So, this is it, my final brou ha ha of my 28th year. I'm going down to DC tonight to watch the high heel race. Don't ask cuz I don't know. I'm just going 4 the booze and the company. At midnight I will officially start the last year of my twenties. I can't believe it. I feel like I'm only 21. What happened to this decade???

10-3-2 Update

Ok, so I fell a little short of my 10-3-2 challenge last week even though I still had excellent results. My consequence was that I would give up jacking off 4 a week. HA!! Yeah, right! Like that's ever gonna happen!"

"I suck so much dick it's ridickulous!" - Soce, Sucking Dick

Going Digital

2005-10-21T11:02:00.000-04:00

U know what I luv? Ok, get your mind out of the gutter damnit! Yes, I luv that 2, but u know what I also luv? Logging on to my cdbaby account and finding I have money because people are downloading my music! It just makes the sun shine inside my little heart. I focus so much on trying to move cds, I sometimes forget about the digital revolution. But I guess it makes sense to go digital. While people may not want to fork over $14 for a whole cd, they'll easily pay 99 cents for a song, right?

So far, the most downloaded song of mine is "I'm Coming Out" which is surprising. I thought it would be "Art" or "Make U Scream" , but no. It's the song on the disc that I personally was least happy with. I wanted to do a lot more with this song than I did, you know, have a big choir, live horns, really make it full, but uh ... I was on budget, ya heard? Plus, this was the last song to be recorded and I think I may have unintentionally rushed it a little bit. So, I'm shocked that so many people are diggin' it! Very cool!

If U ain't heard it yet and wanna hear it, get yourself on over to iTunes and download, baby, download!

"So, excuse me if I start 2 play with your digital display." - Ready for the World, Digital Display

Icky

2005-10-20T13:39:00.000-04:00

It's a strange day today. It's icky outside, dull and grey. I'm sitting in my office in a stasis. I have a lot of work to do, but I can't seem to get my mind out of the rain clouds. I just wanna sleep. Wrap myself up and just hibernate 4 a bit. Hit pause. Sometimes I think I just think 2 much.

"We live in a beautiful world." - Coldplay, Don't Panic

Bits and Pieces (Not Reeces or Kibbles)

2005-10-19T09:04:00.000-04:00

Bailey has a lot 2 teach on life:

Ok, I'm a punk bitch. No, seriously. I watched "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" last night and bawled like a baby. My trash can was full of snotty and tear stained tissue. My estrogen levels R obviously way 2 high, I should see a dr. But it was such a good movie. I think I have 2 buy it. This is just another example of just how gay I am.

Pot Calling the Kettle Black

Madonna has publicly stated that those who pursue the illusionary world of material things are damned to Hell. This coming from the Material Girl herself. Hmmm, if Esther really believed that U think she'd give up all her riches and wealth, but somehow something tells me that's not gonna happen. I think she hit her head a little too hard when she fell off that horse cuz homegirl is making no kind of sense right now.

10-3-2

I went to a regional training last weekend in Ocean City and watched MA's top income earner show us how she made her millions. Honey, if she can do it, I know I can. I'm going to do exactly what she said and my group has all challenged ourselves for the next month to do her "10-3-2" challenge. Which means I'll basically have no life outside of my dayjob and MA for the next month. Except, of course, when it comes to my baby, Mr. Adorable. But he couldn't be more supportive, he can't wait 4 me 2 earn my millions so he can be a housewife. Oy vei.

Work

Muthaf*ckas R driving me crazy here this week. Thank God I have another weekend getaway. Going to NY for Soce's cd release and also just cuz I love NY and my b-day is next week.

Random Shit

Aaron Carl's new CD Detrevolution is the fucking bomb. Get it. Now.

I haven't been sleeping well this week, my body is fighting a cold.

I don't know what I want to do next in my music career. I think I'm gonna take a break for a month or two and honestly, I'm quite ok with that. Working on the CD is enough for now.

I'm horny.

Ta!

"Sometimes I go a little crazy just like U, I do." - 311, Creatures

What R U Looking At?

2005-10-13T16:19:00.000-04:00

What R U looking at??? Um, yeah, that would be me U see up on your video screen!

I got an IM today from a friend who says he was chillin' at Central last night when he looked up at the video screen and what did he see playing but MY MUSIC VIDEO! I knew I was getting on a compilation promo DVD that was going nationwide, but I had no idea it was already out! It was cool cuz people there recognized me apparently.

This is only the beginning. Next step ... LOGO! Then, like Madonna said early in her career ...

"I'm gonna conquer the world!"

"Your dreams will open the door." - Madonna, Vogue

People Showing "Luv"

2005-10-08T01:24:00.000-04:00

Just home from a LONG drive back from my gig at Cafe Ole in Trenton. It was pouring buckets the whole way, but God blessed us with safe passage.

The crowd at Q'Nite was light and mostly older, but WOW! What a great crowd! They totally dug it and had nothing but supportive and the most encouraging things to say. I sang a lot of songs from my first CD that I hadn't performed in a long while and they dug those, too. I don't think people have any idea how much it means to an artist to know they are really feeling what you're putting out there. It makes everything worth it.

The crowd was light but I sold BOTH my CDs to nearly everyone there ... and a t-shirt, too. Not only that, but I "might" have just gotten a gig at next year's Trenton Pride out of it. They were going to recommend me.

This was a great night. It couldn't have been more laid back or relaxed and I didn't have to work my ass off 2 prepare 4 it like I did for my show last week at the Poconos.

And Mr. Adorable accompanied me. Have I mentioned lately how absolutely crazy fucking nuts I am about him? Yup. Life is good.

"Time doesn't slow down 4 those who dream." - Im A Robot, Scream

Just How Gay Am I?

2005-10-06T21:52:00.000-04:00

So, tonight I was part of research focus group. They qualify a few individuals on a certain topic then bring you in for an hour and half to give your thoughts and opinions on said particular topic. At the end of the night they pay you cold hard cash. I love it.

Anyhoo, tonight's topic was alcohol, Tuaca specifically. One of her first questions of us was:

"What kind of place do you like to go have drinks normally?"

My answer: "A gay bar."

Her: "Ok, I meant what kind of place as in is it a club? A lounge? A bar?"

My answer: "Oh, I don't know, anyplace with a lot of gay boys."

Her: "Ok, but what kind of place is it? What's the environment? Is there dancing? Is it lowkey? Is it upscale? Lowkey?"

It finally dawned on me what she was getting at and I began to answer finally like I had just a tad bit of intelligence. I then looked over at the other two very straight guys there and thought to myself, "hmmm, that one is really cute. "

Later on another question was:

"What's your marital status?"

My answer: "Oh, I'm single. Well, no, I'm not single, but I'm not married. Obviously."

I'm just too damned gay 2 hold a straight conversation. Is it sad or is it fabulous??

"Like a rainfall, won't U cum over me? I wanna go down ... I wanna go down ... I wanna go down on U." - Aaron-Carl, Homoerotic

Dilemma of the Day - LOGO

2005-10-06T12:36:00.000-04:00

I've just left another message for x#1@lo5*). I've been trying to get my music video "ART" placed on LOGO for the last couple of months. I know it's all about the follow up, but I feel like it's getting me nowhere. Last we talked they had to "re-locate" my video and call me back. Now it's back to the voice mail game. Urgh.

My dilemma is how pushy should I be? I don't want to seem like a nut and irritate her because then she'll never put me on. On the other hand, if I'm not persistent then she'll never put me on.

It's like dating. You don't want to annoy the boy but U wanna let him know you're interested, right?

Should I call every day? Every other day? Twice a day? Every hour? Every ten minutes?

What do U think?

"I should make a move but I won't." - Monica, The First Night